Opening up a relationship that was previously monogamous is challenging and can be scary. Making the switch from monogamy to non-monogamy is more than just a change of relationship structure. It can be a fundamental paradigm shift in the way you view the world, view love, and relate to the other people in your life. Of course that’s scary! Abandonment, jealousy, and sexual health concerns are just some of the common fears that arise for people attempting polyamory or non-monogamy for the first time.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it if non-monogamy is something you want.
In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.
This week’s card asks:
“What fears or concerns do you have about your current or future relationships?”
Fear can be powerful. Fear can drive people to behave in all kinds of ways that do not align with their values, their desired outcomes, or the kinds of people they want to be. But fear, though very real, does not have to rule you.
In this post, we’ll look at some of the most common fears people have when they are opening up a relationship from monogamy to polyamory or non-monogamy. We’ll expose the realities behind the fears and explore some possible ways that you can reframe them.
“I’m afraid I will feel jealous if we open up our relationship.”
Sometimes you will.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion that we all feel from time to time. Those people who claim they’re immune? They are either full of shit or simply have not encountered a jealousy-inducing situation yet. You can no more be “immune to jealousy” than you can be “immune to sadness”. Some people feel jealous more often and more readily than others, but we are all capable of feeling it. Opening up a relationship does expose you to more potentially jealousy-inducing situations, though.
I don’t teach that jealousy should be avoided. Instead, I teach that jealousy shouldn’t be feared. When you fear or demonise jealousy, you create a powerful incentive to avoid it at all costs. This can prevent people from opening up a relationship at all, even if non-monogamy would generally suit them very well. It can also lead to people attemping to exert inappropriate control over their partners and metamours, creating all kinds of restrictive rules on other relationships, or exercising abusive practices such as veto.
Instead, I recommend getting comfortable with the fact that you will likely feel jealous sometimes. Then, instead of trying to prevent jealousy, you can create strategies that help you to cope with it when it arises.
“I’m afraid opening up our relationship is just an excuse for my partner to abandon me for someone else.”
Fears of abandonment in polyamory are pretty common. But it can happen in monogamy, too.
One of the hardest things to grapple with in any kind of relationship is the knowledge that your partner(s) can leave if they choose to. This includes the possibility that they could meet someone else and leave you for that person. In fact, the ability to leave—to opt out of a relationship at any time and for any reason—is one of the cornerstones of consensual relationships.
Some people believe that non-monogamy or polyamory makes their fear of abandonment more likely to come true. I do not believe this is the case.
Here’s how I look at it: in a monogamous relationship, if my partner falls for someone else then they have a choice to make. They can have that new person or they can have me, but not both. In a polyamorous relationship, though, they can have both of us. (Well, unless the other person is monogamous or issues them with a binary them-or-me ultimatum… but if my partner is the kind of person who would give up polyamory for monogamy, or cave to an ultimatum, they’re not the kind of person I want to be with anyway.)
Of course, knowing that this is possible in any relationship structure and that the ability to leave is part of a consensual relationship doesn’t make it suck any less when someone does leave you. It still hurts like hell. But the risk of breakups is part of the deal when you open your heart to other humans. Opening up a relationship can increase this risk because, by definition, connecting with more people means more potential for breakups. Even so, I believe the rewards far outweigh the risks. But does polyamory, in and of itself, make your fears of abandonment more likely to come true? No, I don’t think so.
“I’m afraid my partner will like someone else more than me.”
This polyamory fear is a cousin of fear of abandonment. It comes in a lot of different guises, from “what if they’re kinkier than me?” to “what if he has a bigger dick than I do?”
Over and over, one consistent trait I’ve observed in the most successful non-monogamous people I know is this: they refuse to compare their partners. And I don’t just mean that they don’t voice those comparisons out loud. I mean that they fundamentally do not understand the act of comparing people they love to one another. The very idea of viewing relationships in that way is reprehensible to them.
I recommend doing everything to can to exorcise this way of thinking entirely. Do not compare your partners to one another and do not compare yourself to your metamours. This does not mean viewing everyone as the same or interchangeable, of course. Instead, cultivate an attitude of appreciating the things that are unique and special about each person and each relationship.
If it helps with the reframing, think about your friends. Chances are that you have different friends who you enjoy different activities or dynamics with. I have “dance all night in gay bars” friends, “get gin-drunk on the sofa and watch The L Word” friends, “drink tea and crochet” friends, “theatre buddy” friends, and more. Sometimes these things overlap, and sometimes they don’t. But I don’t value certain types of friendships more or less than others. I just enjoy each relationship for what it is. Romantic relationships can be exactly the same.
You deserve better than to be compared and ranked. If your partner is doing that, you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands.
“I’m afraid opening up our relationship will change it.”
It will. But so will lots of things.
Getting married, moving in together, moving house, having a baby, going through a bereavement, taking a new job or losing a job, making new friends, or getting involved in new hobbies can change relationships. But we do not typically avoid doing these things out of fear of change.
I wrote an entire (lengthy!) essay on this one and I recommend you go and read it. TL/DR version: opening up a relationship will change it, but change can be good. Communicate, know yourself, understand your bottom-lines and dealbreakers, and lead with trust.
“I’m afraid of losing control.”
Control is an illusion.
Monogamy often gives people a sense of control in a relationship. You know your partner won’t have sex with someone else, fall in love with someone else, leave you for someone else… right? Because they’re not allowed. Because the rules of monogamy protect you.
Except not really. Just look at the statistics around how many monogamous people cheat, have affairs, leave their partners for other people. The rules of monogamy are only as good as the people following them, and a lot of people simply don’t. Non-monogamy removes the illusion of protection those rules offer. But it doesn’t actually remove security or guarantees or control, because those things never existed in the first place.
Just as monogamy only offers an illusion of protection against your fear of abandonment, this fear of losing control in polyamory is connected to something that was never real.
Unless you were going to employ abusive tactics, you never had control over your partner. This is a good thing. Adults should not have control over other adults (consensual, revokable and carefully-negotiated D/s notwithstanding.)
Non-monogamy simply challenges you to find security elsewhere. It challenges you to look within the relationship itself rather than to the illusion of control or the always-breakable rules of monogamy.
“I’m afraid of STIs.”
I’m going to ask a difficult and blunt question: are you really afraid of STIs? Or is this masking an emotional reaction to your partner(s) being sexually intimate with other people?
STIs are a real concern when you’re having sex with other humans. We should not be blasé about sexual health. However, research indicates that consensually non-monogamous people are more likely to take precautions with their sexual health—such as barrier usage and regular testing—than the very high proportion of monogamous people who cheat. (Lehmiller, 2015.)
A lot of people unfortunately exaggerate their fears of STIs in order to control their partners. They hide behind sexual health to implement rigid rules or place limits on their partners’ interactions with others.
Whether you’re genuinely terrified of STIs or have realised this fear is masking a more emotional issue as you open up your relationship (such as abandonment or jealousy), here are five important things to remember as you navigate sexual health and polyamory/non-monogamy:
- Your sexual health is ultimately your responsibility. Understand your personal framework of acceptable risk. Test regularly. Use whatever barriers make you feel safe. Most importantly, keep open lines of communication around sexual health with each of your partners.
- Your partners also have a responsibility towards you and your sexual health. This includes testing regularly, being honest with you about their practices, informing you of any changes, and honouring any boundaries you put in place around your own body and sexual behaviours. It does not include limiting their interactions with other partners or capitulating to rules you attempt to place.
- With many of the common STIs, the stigma surrounding them is worse than the infection itself. Many STIs are either curable through a simple course of medication. Others can be managed to enable you to lead a full and normal life without passing the infection on. We should all take reasonable precautions to avoid contracting or passing on STIs. However, we should also keep things in perspective. STIs are things that sometimes happen when humans come into intimate contact with other humans, just like the common cold or COVID-19. They’re not shameful and they’re not life-ruiners.
- Barrier methods, such as condoms and dams, are still the most effective protection against STIs. You can also take other preventative precautions, such as getting the vaccines for human papillomavirus (HPV), hepatitis A and hepatitis B, and getting on PreP if you’re eligible. If you share sex toys, get educated on how to do so safely.
- Having more sexual partners throughout your life does increase your lifetime risk for contracting an STI, but—assuming you’re sensible—probably not as much as you might think.
“I’m afraid no-one will want to date me.”
This one is really common, and I hear it from cis men more than any other demographic. Cis men partnered with women, in particular, fear that if they open up their relationship then their wives will be inundated with offers while they’re left on the proverbial shelf.
In non-monogamy as in monogamy, there are no guarantees. I can’t promise you will find a certain number of partners or find them in a specific timeframe. Sadly, a lot of factors can come into play here that you have little to no control over, from gendered dating dynamics to desirability politics. Opening up a relationship from monogamy does not guarantee that both partners will have equal dating options available to them.
However, there are also lots of things you can do to stack the odds in your favour. I’m planning to write an entire post on this subject soon, but in short:
- Get on polyamory-friendly dating apps and write a compelling profile.
- Get involved in your local polyamory community, joining online groups and attending meetups. Focus on making friends initially, and get to know everyone—not just people you find attractive. Finding dates will follow.
- Consider getting involved in other groups and spaces where polyamorous people are known to hang out—kink communities, geeky pursuits such as D&D and boardgames, and ren faires are all known to attract plenty of polyam folks.
- Work on yourself. Go to therapy, pursue your interests and passions, and invest in your relationships with your friends, existing partner(s), and others in your life.
- Aim to date others who already identify as polyamorous/non-monogamous, not to convert monogamous people.
- Keep an open mind about the types of people you connect with and the types of relationship structures you’re looking for.
Most importantly, give it time. Try to enjoy the process of dating, meeting people, and making connections rather than rushing towards a destination.
