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Header image for book review of Monogamy? In This Economy? by Laura Boyle of Ready for Polyamory

[Book Review] Monogamy? In This Economy? by Laura Boyle

Published on by Amy

“Monogamy, in this economy!?” has become a bit of a meme or running joke in the polyamorous community recently. The idea, of course, is that amidst a cost of living crisis it can be more cost-effective to live in a household of multiple adults. Taking on this theme, Laura Boyle (author of Ready For Polyamory and creator of the Ready For Polyamory blog) brings us her new book: Monogamy, In This Economy? Finances, Childrearing and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory.

Obviously this is very tongue-in-cheek. No-one would seriously suggest mass polyamory as a long-term solution to one of the worst financial crises in living memory. However, it also speaks to a real truth: some polyamorous people choose to live together and combine finances out of genuine desire, others do it out of economic necessity. And honestly, for most people (regardless of relationship style), the choices we make around nesting, money and childrearing are probably driven by a combination of those two factors.

Monogamy, In This Economy? What’s It About and Who Is It For?

The subtitle pretty much says it all. Stepping away from the “Polyamory 101” and “how to have healthy polyamorous relationships” style of guidebook that is so prolific, Boyle has instead chosen to focus on the practicalities of actually living a polyamorous family life in a world designed for monogamy. How do polyamorous people live together, and where? What if you want to live with your partner but can’t stand your metamour? How do polyamorous families manage finances? What about the children? All these, and more, are questions that countless polyamorous people have been asked and have asked ourselves. Boyle aims to tackle them and many more here.

In preparation for writing Monogamy, In This Economy?, Boyle interviewed over 400 polyamorous people. These people live in virtually every permutation of “three or more adults in one household” that you can imagine. I’m frankly in awe of the research that has gone into this book and the hours it must have taken.

Boyle is US-American, and her book does naturally have a slant in that direction. Some of her research participants are located outside the US, though. Those individuals’ and families’ experiences provide useful insights into how geography, local laws and cultural norms can have an impact on polyamorous families.

Overall, you will probably find this book to be of the most practical benefit if you live in the US. However, there’s also plenty there for those of us doing polyamory in the rest of the world. In short, it’s for anyone who is polyamorous (or poly-curious) and wants to learn about how polyamorous people navigate the realities of 21st Century life.

What’s Covered in the Ready For Polyamory Author’s Second Book?

Boyle begins Monogamy, In This Economy? by briefly introducing polyamory, the concept of polyamorous families, and the methodology behind her survey in chapter 1. In chapter 2, she explores the different formats that polyamorous households can take as well as the challenges that issues such as property zoning and limitations presented by mortgage and leasing laws. Chapter 3 is all about the sometimes-thorny (and emotive) issues of beds and bedrooms, as well as adjacent issues around closet space, household chores, and bathrooms.

Chapter 4 addresses preconceptions about polyamory and the ways they can impact polyamorous families. It also tackles problems in relationships and the ways these can spill over to impact the entire network, and the unique challenges that living in small spaces can present. Chapter 5 covers making your home your own, with tips on how to ensure that everyone feels welcome and at home in the shared family space. I found the insights around understanding how your family actually uses space to be particularly insightful. Chapter 6 is all about metamours, from scheduling conflicts to navigating privacy in shared spaces. It also covers managing jealousy when you all live together.

In chapter 7, Boyle delves into all things money. She discusses navigating finances as a polyamorous family, learning how to talk about money openly, and coming to agreements about non-essential spending. Chapter 8 is all about children and childrearing, including talking to your kids about polyamory and your nesting plans, understanding and dividing up parenting responsibilities, and the additional challenges that arise as children grow into teenagers and young adults. The parenting theme continues in chapter 9, which covers issues such as family planning and unplanned pregnancies in a polyamorous context as well as polyamorous situations where not all partners are parents.

Chapter 10 of Monogamy, In This Economy? is about break-ups, denesting, and ending or de-escalating cohabiting relationships. And finally, chapter 11 continues the break-ups theme but switches the focus to breaking up or deescalating while coparenting.

You can either read the book cover to cover for a comprehensive overview of some of the many ways to navigate the practicalities of life while being non-monogamous (and an intriguing insight into the many ways other people do it), or you can dip in and out to the bits that are most pertinent to your current situation and needs.

Writing Style

Like her first book Ready For Polyamory, Boyle’s writing style in Monogamy, In This Economy? is chatty, accessible, and non-judgemental. She validates common concerns and normalises problems that polyamorous families may face.

Monogamy, In This Economy? is not a blueprint or an instruction manual. Instead, it explores the various different options available to multi-adult households. Boyle doesn’t tell you what to do, but offers insights into some of the many potential solutions to common challenges.

All the way through, Boyle’s insights are peppered with real-life stories from some of her hundreds of interviewees. These bring the theory to life and show some of the real-world challenges, joys, and problem-solving that takes place in polyamorous families.

I found this book to be a fairly quick read, with mostly relatively short chapters. Plenty of subheadings break it up into bite-sized chunks. They also make it easy to find the exact information you’re looking for. Boyle covers a hell of a lot of ground in this relatively concise book. She also signposts to other resources where appropriate.

Verdict & Where to Buy Monogamy, In This Economy?

I’m so glad that this book exists! Whether you are living together with multiple partners or metamours already, considering doing so, or are just curious about some of the possible solutions that are available, this practical and accessible guide will help you to navigate the inevitable challenges.

Well-researched, pragmatic, and reassuring are some of the words that come to mind to describe Laura Boyle’s second book. I currently only nest with one partner and have no plans to change that, and I’m not having children, so you could say it isn’t really for me. However, it’s still given me a huge amount to think about.

Monogamy, In This Economy? will be released on 21 August 2024. Support my work at no additional cost to you by ordering from Bookshop using my links. You can also ask your local indie or LGBTQ+ bookstore to order it in for you.

Thanks to Laura Boyle and her publisher for sending me an advance review copy of Monogamy, In This Economy? Check out her blog Ready For Polyamory and her first book of the same title. All views are, as always, my own.

Header image for Satisfyer Sweet Treat review, featuring colourful ice creams

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Sweet Treat Spinnator

Published on by Amy

Sometimes I feel like I’ve tried every variation of sex toy under the sun. Then something comes along that makes me go “ooh, I’ve never seen one of those before!” The Satisfyer Sweet Treat/Spinnator ice cream vibrator was one such toy. Naturally, I had to request it to try out.

It’s also been a long time—around three years!—since I last tested and reviewed a Satisfyer toy. Let’s find out how this one fared, shall we?

What is the Satisfyer Sweet Treat Spinnator Ice Cream Vibrator?

Satisfyer Sweet Treat Satisfyer Spinnator

The Satisfyer Sweet Treat, AKA the Spinnator, is a cute little clitoral sex toy shaped like an ice cream cone. It is made of silicone with ABS plastic accents. Instead of vibrating, the head of the toy rotates. This means that the soft silicone swirls lap against the clitoris and vulva. (You could also, of course, use it on different body parts such as the nipples, penis, or balls.)

The Sweet Treat is IPX7 waterproof—submersible in up to 1 metre of water for up to 30 minutes—so you can safely use it in the bath or shower. It is also USB rechargeable.

This toy comes in three colourways: white, black, or brown-and-pink (this last one looks the most like an actual ice-cream cone!)

Things I Like About the Satisfyer Sweet Treat Spinnator

Once I got over the frankly horrible noise it made when I turned it on (see below for more on that!), I actually found a lot of things to like in the Satisfyer Sweet Treat.

Satisfyer Sweet Treat AKA Satisfyer Spinnator

  • The body-safe silicone is super soft and flexible. This means it is gentle on the sensitive clitoris and—unlike some licking/flickering/rotating toys I could mention—will not feel like being repeatedly and painfully poked in the clit.
  • The Satisfyer Sweet Treat feels good. Which, you know, is sort of the point of a sex toy. It’s unlikely to make me orgasm any time soon—see the next section!—but it does feel pleasurable. I like this one when I want to tease myself or a partner with very gentle, feather-light stimulation.
  • Thanks to its small size it is portable, travel-friendly, and fits comfortably in my hand during use. One review I read said that you’d never guess it was a sex toy at first glance, which I think is a stretch to be honest. But if you’re concerned about discretion, it is at least less obvious than a realistic dildo or giant wand vibrator.
  • The buttons are raised, making them easy to feel for and press without looking. They are also easy to press.
  • There are an impressive 15 speed and pattern settings and the controls are dual-directional, meaning you can scroll up or down through settings as you choose.
  • It comes with an industry-leading 15 year warranty. Satisfyer builds their toys to last and wants you to know it. Basically, if you look after this product properly it can last you for many, many years.
  • Its aesthetic is silly and playful.

A quick FYI before we move onto the cons list: you really need plenty of lubrication with this one. Even though it’s very soft, this toy is not comfortable to use if you’re not sufficiently wet. (But clean your hands after you apply the lube, or the little toy will just slip out of them!)

Things I Don’t Like About the Satisfyer Sweet Treat Spinnator

There were also a few things I did not like so much about the Satisfyer Sweet Treat.

  • The noise. Why is it that most rotating or thrusting toys make exactly the same horrible, high-pitched whine? It makes the toy far less pleasant to use because I’m in auditory hell by the time I’ve been using it for a few minutes.
  • This is a very, very gentle toy. Now that isn’t necessarily a problem, of course. Some people enjoy very light stimulation, and this toy might be a great option for those who find traditional vibrators too intense. I even enjoy light stimulation sometimes. However, the Sweet Treat is so gentle that even if I’m very aroused, it’s unlikely to ever get me off. You really cannot apply any significant pressure at all in use, or it will simply stop spinning.
  • It’s an absolute nightmare to clean. Lint, dust, and bodily fluids get trapped between all the little folds, meaning that you need to clean it really thoroughly not only between uses, but also when it’s been sitting in storage as well. The white silicone also shows up every speck of dust, which can look quite unsightly.
  • It took over 3 hours to charge and I only got around an hour of use time out of that. This is a pretty poor charge-time-to-running-time ratio.

Verdict

If you like very gentle, soft and flickery clitoral toys, the Satisfyer Sweet Treat could be a great choice for you. If you have tried vibrating toys and suction toys and your clit is looking for something a bit diffferent, this is certainly a change of pace! But if you need any kind of pressure or significant intensity to enjoy yourself, skip this one.

I’ll likely use it once in a while for a gentle warm-up or tease, but it won’t be something I reach for when I want to just have an orgasm and get on with my day.

The Satisfyer Sweet Treat retails for a pretty reasonable £41.95 at full price. It is available from Babeland and Good Vibes.

I received this product for free, in exchange for an honest review, from a retailer that is no longer in business. Affiliate links appear in this post! All views and writing, as always, are mine.

Header image for a review of the Nothosaur Audrey II ovipositor toy

[Toy Review] Nothosaur Audrey II Ovipositor Dildo

Published on by Amy

One of the coolest things about being a sex writer is that I get to discover new things I’m into that I would never have thought to try. Another super cool thing about it? I get to discover new things I’m not into that I would never have thought to try. This week, through writing this review, I have learned that I am not into ovipositor toys (egg-laying dildos.)

This revelation isn’t entirely surprising to me, to be fair. I can’t say the idea, in itself, is ever something that has sparked fantasies or even that I have thought about very much at all. But, when Nothosaur asked me if I would test out one of their ovipositor dildos and write about it, I was curious enough to give it a go. Naturally, being a huge musical theatre nerd, I had to pick the one called “Audrey II.”

Audrey II Review: What is an Ovipositor Toy and Why Are People Into Them?

Nothosaur Audrey II ovipositor toy set

In nature, an ovipositor is a tube-like organ that some animals use for laying eggs. In the world of sex toys, an ovipositor is a hollow dildo that “lays eggs” inside the user.

Ovipositation kinks often come along with impregnation fetishes, though they can also exist separately as their own thing. I’m far too legitimately afraid of pregnancy to eroticise it, personally, but it’s a super common kink. The reasons why people might be into ovipositation are many and varied. Some enjoy the physical sensation of having the eggs deposited inside them, or of “laying” them out again. For others, it’s a natural extension of a monster-fucking or alien-fucking fetish. Some connect it to consensual non-consent (CNC) fantasies, humiliation kinks, fear play, dehumanisation or animal roleplay kinks, and many more.

Ovipositor dildos have a hollow cavity through the middle into which users can insert eggs, which they can then pop out inside their vagina or anus.

Important Things to Know About the Audrey II Ovipositor Toy

If you’re into the idea of fucking an alien plant tendril, then look no further. The Nothosaur Audrey II is a beautifully made and intricate ovipositor toy with an impressive level of detailing. It is made of body-safe matte silicone and the various ridges and bumps add not just aesthetic appeal but also additional internal stimulation in use. The standard green colourway with hints of red adds to the “scary alien plant” vibe, but you can also get it in your choice of custom colours if you prefer.

Nothosaur Audrey II ovipositor toy

You can’t really use the Audrey II as a regular dildo without the eggs unless you’re into VERY soft and flexible toys. Due to the hollow interior, it’s ultra squishy to the point that it is hard to even insert. It has a suction cup base, though I’m not sure how much use this would be to anyone using the toy for its intended purpose.

You can order the Audrey II ovipositor toy with or without eggs. These eggs are known at Nothosaur as OGGs and available in a range of sizes. You can also order OGGs separately if you decide you want to add them on later or if you want to add more to your collection. The eggs are genuinely super pretty and come in a range of random colourways.

Nothosaur Audrey II ovipositor toy eggs

Your other option is to make eggs yourself using the included molds. The Audrey II comes with 3 egg molds in different sizes. Nothosaur has also provided handy instructions on how to make eggs. In a nutshell, you’ll need gelatin powder, very hot water, a syringe, and your fridge or freezer. I did some research into this and the general consensus seems to be that gelatin is safe to use in the vagina or anus as long as you’re not allergic. Use plain gelatin with no sugars, dyes, or any other additives, as introducing these things into your body can disrupt your vaginal health and be a breeding ground for infection.

If you want to use the Audrey II ovipositor toy anally, it’s important to only use gelatin eggs which will dissolve inside you. Never, ever put the silicone eggs inside your butt. They could get lost or stuck, which can be dangerous. The gelatin will go all melty and goopy pretty quickly, so it’s best to allow some time for clean-up. Put a towel down if you don’t want to risk staining your sheets.

Inserting the eggs takes a little practice but is easy once you get the hang of it. You’ll need plenty of lubricant (water-based or oil-based is ideal) and to use the provided plastic booster to push the eggs up inside and through the toy.

The Audrey II’s squishiness helps to enable eggs to pass through the dildo more easily. Be careful where you’re squeezing, though. They can pop out of the bottom of the toy if you’re not careful.

Nothosaur Audrey II ovipositor toy

Actually getting the eggs to come out took me a couple of attempts to get the hang of. It takes a little more pressure than you think it will. Pro tip: clean your hands if they’re covered in lube from setting things up, otherwise you’ll just end up with things slipping out of your hands and flying everywhere.

I ordered the small size Audrey II ovipositor to review, which measures 7″ in total length and around 5.5″ in insertable length. Its 1.8″ diameter makes it comfortable to use and not too girthy.

Audrey II Ovipositor Review: Verdict

I have learned that ovipositor toys definitely aren’t my kink. But this fetish is a pretty common one, as I learned in the course of researching this post, so it might well be yours! And if so, this is an excellent product. The Audrey II ovipositor is thoughtfully designed and beautifully made. Nothosaur’s product presentation and customer service are both excellent, too. I received several fun extras with my toy, including a cute branded storage bag, some stickers, and a cock keyring.

I’ll just leave you with this, courtesy of my nesting partner Mr C&K:

Him: “Audrey II didn’t lay eggs.”
Me: “No, it ate faces… I’m putting that in the review.”

The Audrey II ovipositor toy starts from $75.99 for the smallest size. Larger sizes, custom colours, and adding silicone eggs will all increase the price. When you use my links and my code COFFEE at checkout, you can get 10% off your entire purchase.

Thanks to Nothosaur Toys for sending me the Audrey II ovipositor to review and for sponsoring this post. All views, as always, are mine. Check out their full range of ovipositors and other fantasy dildos.

Header image featuring keys in a range of sizes for a guest post from TotalChastity on what total chastity means to their customers

[Guest Post] What Does “Total Chastity” Mean to You?

Published on by Amy

I’ve written for TotalChastity a couple of times before, and this time their team pitched me a guest post of their own! They decided to poll their customers on what “total chastity” means to them. The results are quite enlightening, so I’ll hand you over to them to tell you all about it!

Amy x

What Does “Total Chastity” Mean to You?

Running our male chastity[1] website TotalChastity gives us the opportunity to interact with a huge range of submissives, Dominants, and Mistresses. While we’re all here for similar reasons, each individual in the fetish community is different. Even our name, TotalChastity, invokes all kinds of ideas and fantasies for different people, so we thought it would be fun to ask the question:

“What does “total chastity” mean to you?”

Here are some of the responses we got.

[1] “Male chastity” is the term commonly used to refer to a person with a penis being locked up in a chastity cage. However, this is a bit of a misnomer as not everyone with a penis–or who enjoys this kink–is a man

“For Me, It Means Being Locked 24/7”

Permanent chastity was one of the most common answers we got when we quizzed our customers. The idea of chastity totally taking over your life is a common one within the fetish, and many submissives aspire to reach this despite the difficulty for most people.

“Even when I was just getting started, being locked all the time was the goal. It’s harder than you think to pull off though. There’s always a day where you’re uncomfortable or don’t feel up to it. I’m still not there yet but I don’t feel like I’ll be doing “Total Chastity” until I am.”

While the idea of permanent chastity can be a tantalising carrot for many submissives, it’s not something you should dive straight into. We advise starting with small periods of time wearing the cage and increasing them gradually. Even if you need to take the cage off at night, but wear it throughout the day, you shouldn’t feel like a failure.

It’s also important to be aware of the safety implications of wearing a chastity cage long term. We like this piece by Dan Savage in which he consulted with a urologist on how to do chastity safely. 

“Total Chastity Means Having a Mistress”

While we always encourage those who want to practise male chastity alone to do so, for some it’s never enough. Despite the majority of the experience being completely possible as a solo submissive, many of the responses we got from our customers stated that they felt they wouldn’t be doing “Total Chastity” until they find themselves someone to hold the keys and to truly submit to.

“I did my time on my own, but it never really clicked until I found Mistress. You can try all the neat tricks you want like giving the key to a friend or burying it in the garden, but you can always just go get it back. Once you’ve found someone to take that dominant role over you it really changes everything. To me that’s the step that takes it from just chastity to “total chastity”.”

Even though this point of view was fairly common amongst the chastity enthusiasts we spoke to, we always encourage those with an interest in chastity to give it a try even without a partner. It can help you explore the fetish, figure out which parts you like and dislike, and go into a partnered relationship more prepared with an idea of what you want to get out of it. There are also more and more products coming out to help support solo submissives such as app locking cages, and online keyholding services, which can give you an idea of what it’ll be like having a real Mistress, Master, or Dominant.

“It’s More Than a Cage”

Anyone can put on a chastity cage. Anyone can wear one for hours or even days. But does that make them a chastity submissive? For many of our TotalChastity customers, the bit that comes after putting on the cage is what really defines “total chastity”.

“When I first started, I think I mind- gamed myself a bit. For some reason I thought once I’d bought a chastity device and put it on that would be it. Really though, it was only the beginning. Once the initial excitement wore off, reality started to set in. For me the things you do while you’re wearing the cage are so much more important than just the act of locking up your junk. Only once you start to live your life as a submissive do you truly start to experience “total chastity”.”

A lot of stores are only really in it to sell you a cage. Once they’ve made the sale, you’re left to figure out the rest on your own. Luckily there are plenty of resources online to help, including forums where you can talk to others who’ve gone through exactly the same process when they started out.

At Total Chastity, we want to be part of this process. That’s why we regularly post an array of chastity themed content that can help you not just with choosing and buying a cage, but what to do after you’ve put it on.

“Total Chastity Means Total Submission”

A slightly more philosophical answer that we got from some of our customers was focused on the submissive component of the chastity process. These answers were massively varied, but followed the same general theme that there was a moment during the experience where it truly felt that they were powerless and “became a true submissive”. For these individuals, that “moment” is what it means to experience “total chastity”.

“There wasn’t one specific thing that I can think of. It was more like I’d crossed a bridge and there was no going back. I’d gone through the motions for months and yeah, it was fun and interesting. But one day it just clicked. She was in control. My cock was hers. Nothing I said or did would change that. That was my “total chastity” moment.”

It’s difficult to pin down a specific thing that would give you this “moment”. All we can really do if you’re looking for it is to keep exploring and trying different aspects of chastity, experimenting and exploring to figure out what works for you.

“Total Chastity Means Total Chastity”

Hearing these points of view from our customers was a fascinating experienced which reaffirmed our own beliefs. Total chastity isn’t about one specific thing. It’s the whole experience that matters, and it is deeply personal.

That’s why we at TotalChastity aim to focus on providing as much of that experience as possible. From quality cages to in depth advice. From chatting to submissives and Dominants on social media to trying out as many cages as we can. Total chastity is our mission, and we aim to deliver it to all who want to experience it–whatever that means to you.

This guest post contains sponsored links from TotalChastity

Header image for book review of How Do I Sexy? by Mx Nillin Lore

[Book Review] How Do I Sexy? By Mx Nillin Lore

Published on by Amy

I’ve known Mx. Nillin Lore (they/them) a little bit through the online sex writing community for some time, and have long admired their views, writing style, and queer, trans-centric approach to sex education and advocacy. So when they told me they were writing a new book titled How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers and invited me to review it, of course I was going to say yes.

How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers by Mx. Nillin Lore is both a practical guidebook for queer, trans and non-binary sexuality and a kind of manifesto for how sex, intimacy, and the concept of “sexy” could be if we all looked beyond the cisheteropatriarchal norms we’ve been fed from birth.

Nillin asks, “what even is ‘sexy’ and how do you do it?” This book is their attempt at answering that question. The book also includes a forward by Sophie Labelle, best known for her webcomic Assigned Male. Sophie also designed the book’s playful, inviting cover.

What How Do I Sexy? by Nillin Lore Covers

You’ll find both theoretical and practical content in How Do I Sexy?

The first chapter explores the “Ventura Effect,” or how the transphobia in the 1994 movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective played a role in keeping Nillin in the closet until they were in their mid 20s – and, more broadly, the role that transphobia and queerphobia in popular media plays in shaping queer youngsters’ views of themselves and a cultural landscape that often includes bullying, harassment, discrimination, dehumanisation, violence, and even murder.

Chapter 2 unpacks the idea of “sexy”. What is it? Why is it so limited by mainstream beauty norms? And what are just some of the myriad things people can find sexy? It also covers self-image, embracing oneself as a sexy and sexual being, finding what makes you personally feel sexy, and unpacking all the different kinds of attraction that exist.

Chapters 3 and 4 start to delve more deeply into practical and actionable advice. Chapter 3 deals with the fear, shame, guilt and insecurity that many of us struggle with around our sex lives, desires, genders, and sexualities. It offers both validation and practical strategies on how to start tackling your critical inner voice and the internalised beliefs that aren’t serving you. Chapter 4 invites you to come up with personal mantras that summarise your core values around sex and sexuality. These will serve as guiding lights for how you want to live your best sexy life.

Chapter 5 covers traditional gender roles and society’s toxic ideals, from passing pressure for trans people to the relationship escalator. It offers insights into the negative ways these realities impact queer and trans people. There’s also advice and encouragement on overcoming and consciously rejecting them.

Chapter 6 covers outward presentation and the different ways people might dress and present to feel sexy and affirmed. You’ll find information on affirming prosthetics, underwear and lingerie for trans folks, using makeup for self-expression, and detailed advice on measuring yourself for well-fitting clothing as well as just some of the archetypes and variations of LGBTQ+ self-presentation that are available to pick and choose from. It’s definitely given me some inspiration and ideas for new looks and styles I might like to try.

Chapter 7 covers the nuances of dating, flirting, and finding community. These things can be wildly different when you’re queer or trans (or kinky or non-monogamous). As such, a lot of the typical mainstream dating advice doesn’t really apply. From navigating dating apps and staying safe when meeting people to bigoted “preferences”, flirting tips, and handling rejection.

Chapter 7 is all about queer-affirming sex and how to have it. You’ll learn what it means to be queer and trans-affirming in your sex life and relationships. You will also hear about just some of the many, many sexual and intimate activities that many queer and trans folks enjoy. This includes kink and BDSM dynamics as well as different ways to explore intimacy without necessarily involving sex. You’ll learn about some of the countless terms for body parts and how to find the best ones for you. Finally, Nillin talks about finding – and making – queer and trans porn and erotic content.

How Do I Sexy? concludes with a short roundup of 8 important takeaways.

Style & Accessibility

Nillin’s writing is vulnerable and honest. They don’t shy away from sharing their own experiences and the struggles they’ve faced through systemic transphobia, queerphobia, fatphobia, erasure, and more. They share personal stories from their own lived experience and relate them seamlessly to their wider narrative and overarching points. And they unflinchingly own up to mistakes they’ve made and things they’re not proud of, acknowledging how those things played a role in the story of who they are now.

Reading Nillin’s writing is like talking to that wise, slightly more experienced friend that I wish all queer people had when they first come out. The writing is engaging and accessible, occasionally funny, occasionally raw, and always tender and caring. Compassion is central at every stage, and the advice feels like invitation rather than instruction.

Nillin also includes other queer and trans folks’ voices and perspectives. In chapter 2, for example, they ask various friends and industry colleagues about what sexiness means to them and how they relate to it. They also include images from the Crash Pad Series of queer+ erotic films to illustrate various sections of the book.

The book does assume some basic grounding in LGBTQ+ terminology. There’s a handy glossary at the back for any terms you don’t understand, though. And, of course, you can always just look them up online as you read.

Verdict & Where to Get Your Copy

How Do I Sexy? isn’t just a good book, it’s a vital and sorely needed one. LGBTQ+ young people are still rarely represented in mainstream sex education. Many of us make it to adulthood with very little knowledge of our bodies, our sexualities, and how to engage intimately with others. This book is like a warm, comforting hug that says “hey, you’re lovable – and sexy – exactly as you are!”. It’s both a celebration and an invitation.

No matter where you are in your queer, trans or non-binary journey, there will be something in here for you. I’ve been writing, reading, learning and teaching in this space for years and I’ve still learned tonnes from Nillin’s words. Read it from cover to cover for the full experience, or dip into the bits that feel most relevant to where you are now.

How Do I Sexy? by Mx. Nillin Lore will be published by Thornapple Press one month today – 23rd August 2024 – and you can pre-order your copy now. If you order through my Bookshop.org links, I will make a small commission at no additional cost to you. You can also ask your local indie bookseller or LGBTQ+ bookstore to stock it (fuck Amazon amirite?) (But if you’re going to use Amazon, please use Thornapple’s affiliate links. This will send a little more money back to an indie press and its authors.)

Thanks to Mx. Nillin Lore and their publisher for sending me an advance review copy of How Do I Sexy? All views are, as always, my own.

Header image for a post on the things people fear when opening up a relationship, from abandonment caused by polyamory to STI worries

Abandonment, Jealousy, and Other Common Fears When Opening Up a Relationship [Polyamory Conversation Cards #16]

Published on by Amy

Opening up a relationship that was previously monogamous is challenging and can be scary. Making the switch from monogamy to non-monogamy is more than just a change of relationship structure. It can be a fundamental paradigm shift in the way you view the world, view love, and relate to the other people in your life. Of course that’s scary! Abandonment, jealousy, and sexual health concerns are just some of the common fears that arise for people attempting polyamory or non-monogamy for the first time.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it if non-monogamy is something you want.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What fears or concerns do you have about your current or future relationships?”

Fear can be powerful. Fear can drive people to behave in all kinds of ways that do not align with their values, their desired outcomes, or the kinds of people they want to be. But fear, though very real, does not have to rule you.

In this post, we’ll look at some of the most common fears people have when they are opening up a relationship from monogamy to polyamory or non-monogamy. We’ll expose the realities behind the fears and explore some possible ways that you can reframe them.

“I’m afraid I will feel jealous if we open up our relationship.”

Sometimes you will.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion that we all feel from time to time. Those people who claim they’re immune? They are either full of shit or simply have not encountered a jealousy-inducing situation yet. You can no more be “immune to jealousy” than you can be “immune to sadness”. Some people feel jealous more often and more readily than others, but we are all capable of feeling it. Opening up a relationship does expose you to more potentially jealousy-inducing situations, though.

I don’t teach that jealousy should be avoided. Instead, I teach that jealousy shouldn’t be feared. When you fear or demonise jealousy, you create a powerful incentive to avoid it at all costs. This can prevent people from opening up a relationship at all, even if non-monogamy would generally suit them very well. It can also lead to people attemping to exert inappropriate control over their partners and metamours, creating all kinds of restrictive rules on other relationships, or exercising abusive practices such as veto.

Instead, I recommend getting comfortable with the fact that you will likely feel jealous sometimes. Then, instead of trying to prevent jealousy, you can create strategies that help you to cope with it when it arises.

“I’m afraid opening up our relationship is just an excuse for my partner to abandon me for someone else.”

Fears of abandonment in polyamory are pretty common. But it can happen in monogamy, too.

One of the hardest things to grapple with in any kind of relationship is the knowledge that your partner(s) can leave if they choose to. This includes the possibility that they could meet someone else and leave you for that person. In fact, the ability to leave—to opt out of a relationship at any time and for any reason—is one of the cornerstones of consensual relationships.

Some people believe that non-monogamy or polyamory makes their fear of abandonment more likely to come true. I do not believe this is the case.

Here’s how I look at it: in a monogamous relationship, if my partner falls for someone else then they have a choice to make. They can have that new person or they can have me, but not both. In a polyamorous relationship, though, they can have both of us. (Well, unless the other person is monogamous or issues them with a binary them-or-me ultimatum… but if my partner is the kind of person who would give up polyamory for monogamy, or cave to an ultimatum, they’re not the kind of person I want to be with anyway.)

Of course, knowing that this is possible in any relationship structure and that the ability to leave is part of a consensual relationship doesn’t make it suck any less when someone does leave you. It still hurts like hell. But the risk of breakups is part of the deal when you open your heart to other humans. Opening up a relationship can increase this risk because, by definition, connecting with more people means more potential for breakups. Even so, I believe the rewards far outweigh the risks. But does polyamory, in and of itself, make your fears of abandonment more likely to come true? No, I don’t think so.

“I’m afraid my partner will like someone else more than me.”

This polyamory fear is a cousin of fear of abandonment. It comes in a lot of different guises, from “what if they’re kinkier than me?” to “what if he has a bigger dick than I do?”

Over and over, one consistent trait I’ve observed in the most successful non-monogamous people I know is this: they refuse to compare their partners. And I don’t just mean that they don’t voice those comparisons out loud. I mean that they fundamentally do not understand the act of comparing people they love to one another. The very idea of viewing relationships in that way is reprehensible to them.

I recommend doing everything to can to exorcise this way of thinking entirely. Do not compare your partners to one another and do not compare yourself to your metamours. This does not mean viewing everyone as the same or interchangeable, of course. Instead, cultivate an attitude of appreciating the things that are unique and special about each person and each relationship.

If it helps with the reframing, think about your friends. Chances are that you have different friends who you enjoy different activities or dynamics with. I have “dance all night in gay bars” friends, “get gin-drunk on the sofa and watch The L Word” friends, “drink tea and crochet” friends, “theatre buddy” friends, and more. Sometimes these things overlap, and sometimes they don’t. But I don’t value certain types of friendships more or less than others. I just enjoy each relationship for what it is. Romantic relationships can be exactly the same.

You deserve better than to be compared and ranked. If your partner is doing that, you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands.

“I’m afraid opening up our relationship will change it.”

It will. But so will lots of things.

Getting married, moving in together, moving house, having a baby, going through a bereavement, taking a new job or losing a job, making new friends, or getting involved in new hobbies can change relationships. But we do not typically avoid doing these things out of fear of change.

I wrote an entire (lengthy!) essay on this one and I recommend you go and read it. TL/DR version: opening up a relationship will change it, but change can be good. Communicate, know yourself, understand your bottom-lines and dealbreakers, and lead with trust.

“I’m afraid of losing control.”

Control is an illusion.

Monogamy often gives people a sense of control in a relationship. You know your partner won’t have sex with someone else, fall in love with someone else, leave you for someone else… right? Because they’re not allowed. Because the rules of monogamy protect you.

Except not really. Just look at the statistics around how many monogamous people cheat, have affairs, leave their partners for other people. The rules of monogamy are only as good as the people following them, and a lot of people simply don’t. Non-monogamy removes the illusion of protection those rules offer. But it doesn’t actually remove security or guarantees or control, because those things never existed in the first place.

Just as monogamy only offers an illusion of protection against your fear of abandonment, this fear of losing control in polyamory is connected to something that was never real.

Unless you were going to employ abusive tactics, you never had control over your partner. This is a good thing. Adults should not have control over other adults (consensual, revokable and carefully-negotiated D/s notwithstanding.)

Non-monogamy simply challenges you to find security elsewhere. It challenges you to look within the relationship itself rather than to the illusion of control or the always-breakable rules of monogamy.

“I’m afraid of STIs.”

I’m going to ask a difficult and blunt question: are you really afraid of STIs? Or is this masking an emotional reaction to your partner(s) being sexually intimate with other people?

STIs are a real concern when you’re having sex with other humans. We should not be blasé about sexual health. However, research indicates that consensually non-monogamous people are more likely to take precautions with their sexual health—such as barrier usage and regular testing—than the very high proportion of monogamous people who cheat. (Lehmiller, 2015.)

A lot of people unfortunately exaggerate their fears of STIs in order to control their partners. They hide behind sexual health to implement rigid rules or place limits on their partners’ interactions with others.

Whether you’re genuinely terrified of STIs or have realised this fear is masking a more emotional issue as you open up your relationship (such as abandonment or jealousy), here are five important things to remember as you navigate sexual health and polyamory/non-monogamy:

  • Your sexual health is ultimately your responsibility. Understand your personal framework of acceptable risk. Test regularly. Use whatever barriers make you feel safe. Most importantly, keep open lines of communication around sexual health with each of your partners.
  • Your partners also have a responsibility towards you and your sexual health. This includes testing regularly, being honest with you about their practices, informing you of any changes, and honouring any boundaries you put in place around your own body and sexual behaviours. It does not include limiting their interactions with other partners or capitulating to rules you attempt to place.
  • With many of the common STIs, the stigma surrounding them is worse than the infection itself. Many STIs are either curable through a simple course of medication. Others can be managed to enable you to lead a full and normal life without passing the infection on. We should all take reasonable precautions to avoid contracting or passing on STIs. However, we should also keep things in perspective. STIs are things that sometimes happen when humans come into intimate contact with other humans, just like the common cold or COVID-19. They’re not shameful and they’re not life-ruiners.
  • Barrier methods, such as condoms and dams, are still the most effective protection against STIs. You can also take other preventative precautions, such as getting the vaccines for human papillomavirus (HPV), hepatitis A and hepatitis B, and getting on PreP if you’re eligible. If you share sex toys, get educated on how to do so safely.
  • Having more sexual partners throughout your life does increase your lifetime risk for contracting an STI, but—assuming you’re sensible—probably not as much as you might think.

“I’m afraid no-one will want to date me.”

This one is really common, and I hear it from cis men more than any other demographic. Cis men partnered with women, in particular, fear that if they open up their relationship then their wives will be inundated with offers while they’re left on the proverbial shelf.

In non-monogamy as in monogamy, there are no guarantees. I can’t promise you will find a certain number of partners or find them in a specific timeframe. Sadly, a lot of factors can come into play here that you have little to no control over, from gendered dating dynamics to desirability politics. Opening up a relationship from monogamy does not guarantee that both partners will have equal dating options available to them.

However, there are also lots of things you can do to stack the odds in your favour. I’m planning to write an entire post on this subject soon, but in short:

  • Get on polyamory-friendly dating apps and write a compelling profile.
  • Get involved in your local polyamory community, joining online groups and attending meetups. Focus on making friends initially, and get to know everyone—not just people you find attractive. Finding dates will follow.
  • Consider getting involved in other groups and spaces where polyamorous people are known to hang out—kink communities, geeky pursuits such as D&D and boardgames, and ren faires are all known to attract plenty of polyam folks.
  • Work on yourself. Go to therapy, pursue your interests and passions, and invest in your relationships with your friends, existing partner(s), and others in your life.
  • Aim to date others who already identify as polyamorous/non-monogamous, not to convert monogamous people.
  • Keep an open mind about the types of people you connect with and the types of relationship structures you’re looking for.

Most importantly, give it time. Try to enjoy the process of dating, meeting people, and making connections rather than rushing towards a destination.

Header image for a post on kink party outfit ideas and what to wear to a play party

Kink Party Outfit Ideas: What to Wear to a Play Party

Published on by Amy

When people are getting ready to attend their first kink party, one of the most frequency asked questions is “what the hell do I wear!?” What to wear to a kink play party can feel like a minefield, but it’s not as complicated as it seems. In this post I’ll dispel some common myths as well as share some kink party outfit ideas to get you inspired. I’ve also included some links to some of my favourite pieces and stores.

Check the Dress Code

Some parties and events have their own dresscode. These can be anything from very broad and general to highly specific. Events with very specific dress codes are generally those geared around a particular kink which relates in some way to the dress code – for example, clothed Dom/naked sub events or those for latex fetishists. Some may even have fun fancy dress themes.

Many events will simply state “fetishwear”, “make an effort”, “smart black minimum”, or “no jeans or trainers.” Within the dress code or general guidelines, you’re free to be as creative as you like.

Check out the Fetlife page for your chosen event, if they have one. You may see pictures that past attendees have shared of their outfits, which can provide some inspiration, or example pictures for what constitutes suitable attire.

What is “Fetishwear?”

Fetishwear is a pretty broad term. In short, though, it refers to anything out-of-the-box, provocative, sexualised, or in some way over-the-top or extreme. Certain fabrics, such as leather, latex, rubber, PVC, and wet-look styles are commonly seen in fetishwear.

Highly structured items such as corsets as well as revealing clothing such as lingerie may also be considered fetishwear. Certain types of detailing, such as straps, studs, or spikes, can add a fetishy vibe to your kink party outfit.

Kinky or sexualised accessories and BDSM wear such as collars and cuffs, body harnesses, stockings, and extreme footwear can fall into this category, too.

Do I Have to Spend a Lot of Money?

Nope!

There are some kink events that have a reputation for being picky to the point of snobbish about the dress code, putting expectations on attendees that are financially prohibitive to many. I recommend avoiding those events unless spending hundreds of £/$ on an outfit is part of the fun for you.

For most kink events, there is no expectation that you spend a lot of money. In fact, you can likely get something suitable on sale or even put together an outfit from pieces you already own if money is a concern for you.

Do I Have to Show a Lot of Skin?

No!

Well, not usually. Again, there are a small number of events where this is expected as part of the event theme (such as clothed Dom/naked sub events.) As a general rule, though, there is no expectation to get naked or to show off any more of your body than you feel comfortable with.

You probably will see people naked or wearing very skimpy outfits at kink parties. But you’ll also see people in full length dresses or skirts, trousers or suits, or outfits that are sexy but not revealing (e.g. catsuits.)

In short, at the vast majority of kink events you can show as much or as little skin as you like. Some events do have restrictions on genital nudity due to venue licensing, so always check if you are planning a very skimpy outfit.

The Classic Kink Party Outfits: Lingerie, Corsetry, Kilts, LBDs and More

There are some types of outfit you’ll see again and again at kink events and play parties, and which are almost always appropriate. Lingerie (such as bra-and-panties sets, bodysuits, and chemises), corsets, kilts, suits, and little black dresses will usually be absolutely fine.

In some spaces, black jeans and a button-down shirt or the kind of dress you’d wear to go clubbing will also be acceptable.

Latex, Leather and Rubber, Oh My!

Certain fabrics have specifically kinky connotations: latex, leather, rubber, PVC, and so on. If any of these fabrics appeal to you, they can be a great starting point for an outfit.

You don’t need to shell out a lot of money unless you want to. A PVC/leather-look piece of the kind available at many sex shops is a great alternative to more expensive real leather. Lovehoney’s Easy-On Latex items are an affordable alternative to the price-tag of custom latex that I wear regularly. They’re also a great choice for those of us who are too clumsy to want to risk traditional latex (hi!)

You can also invest in a single piece, such as a leather corset or pair of trousers or a latex top, and then build your outfit around that from cheaper items or things you already own. Even an accessory made of one of these fabrics, such as latex suspenders, gauntlets or a pair of gloves, can give a nod to these fetishes without the cost of a full outfit.

Accessorise Your Kink Party Outfit to Impress

I wear a lot of the same outfits again and again to different kink parties. What I like to do, though, is accessorise them differently. A few appropriate accessories can really elevate your outfit and allow you ro express your kinky self.

Think about:

My current kinky accessory obsession? These amazing hand harnesses. I’ve worn them with everything from dungarees to a corset, and I love them. I also like to finish off my party outfit with a perfume that matches my vibe for the night, whether it’s something sweet and flirty or sultry and sensual.

Let’s Talk Shoes

One common misconception is that women or femme-presenting people have to wear heels in kink spaces. This isn’t the case at all. I very rarely incorporate heels into my kink party outfits because, well, they fucking hurt and I have chronic pain in my feet anyway without making it worse.

Of course, you can wear those sky-high heels if you like. But if you’d rather not, you can also opt for low heels or for flat shoes/boots. Just make sure they’re clean, polished, and go with your outfit. If in doubt, you’ll rarely go wrong with a nice pair of plain black shoes or boots in your preferred style.

Statement shoes can also be fun, if that’s your thing. My turquoise glitter flats get a lot of outings with various outfits! You’ll also likely see footwear brands such as New Rocks, Doc Martens, Koi, and their various equivalents in kink spaces.

Hair & Makeup

If you’re the kind of person who likes enhancing your outfits by doing fun things with your hair and/or makeup, a kink party is a great chance to go wild. Why not experiment with a new temporary hair colour (or a wig), a fabulous eye makeup look, a bold lipstick, or even something more outlandish such as glitter or body-paint?

Nails can be a fun place to express your style, too. I often get my nails done before a big event and I usually opt for something ostentatious and over the top (typically with sparkles and lots of colour.) Of course, a striking black or classic red polish are also great options.

If makeup, nail polish and fancy hairstyles aren’t your thing, that’s cool too! Just make sure your hair is washed and your nails are clean, and you’ll be fine.

Wear Your Kink as Part of Your Party Outfit

Collars are perhaps the most common accessory you’ll see people wearing at kink parties. If you have a collar you love (whether it’s associated with a specific relationship or not) then wearing it can help you to get into a kinky headspace. You can add a leash, too, if you like.

You can also do amazing things with rope. If you know how to tie a basic arms-out rope harness, it can be a beautiful addition to give an outfit a kinky twist. Rope gauntlets, rope corsets, and rope dresses are also popular. The possibilities are endless, especially if you invest in some beautiful colourful rope.

Other good options include chastity devices, pet play gear (such as ears, masks or tails), strap-on harnesses, decorative cuffs, nipple clamps, and gags.

Consider Practicality

That latex outfit might look amazing, but if it takes 30 minutes to get in and out of it, is it the best choice for an event where you’re going to want to get naked to play or get in the hot tub? You might love your favourite corset, but is it practical for moving around in as you flog or tie up your partner?

Don’t forget to think about what you might want to do at the party and factor these practicalities into your kink party outfit choice.

Consider the weather, too. If it’s 35°C out, you probably don’t want to wear a full latex catsuit. (Ask me how I know.)

Don’t Overthink Your Kink Party Outfits

This is a lot of information and a lot of things to think about as you plan your kink party outfit. A play party can be a great place to experiment with different modes of presentation and tap into your most authentic self.

The most important thing in deciding what to wear to a play party is that it makes you feel good. You won’t have a good time if you feel like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not.

Here are my five golden rules for putting together an amazing kink party outfit:

  • Check the dress code, follow it, and ask the organisers if in doubt
  • Make an effort and get creative
  • Wear something that makes YOU feel amazing, focusing on being authentic and true to yourself
  • Don’t forget the details, from accessories and shoes to hair and makeup – they can lift your entire look!
  • Think about the practicalities.

This is supposed to be fun, so enjoy yourself no matter what you decide to wear.

This post contains affiliate links. All views, as always, are mine.

Header image for Liebe Seele review of Kinbaku Ukiyoe leather strap-on harness

[Toy Review] Liebe Seele Kinbaku Ukiyoe Leather Strap-On Harness

Published on by Amy

My first strap-on harness was a super basic, no-frills thing with rough nylon straps. It did the job, just about, but that was all. I had better luck with harness pants, but ultimately they weren’t really my vibe or aesthetic. I upgraded massively with a gorgeous faux leather strap-on harness I purchased at Eroticon, before I finally discovered my all-time favourite harness. Liebe Seele Japan just sent me the red leather strap-on harness from their Kinbaku Ukiyoe range to test and review.

Kinbaku Ukiyoe leather strap-on harness.

(Fun fact: kinbaku means “tight binding” and is a form of Japanese rope bondage. Ukiyo-e literally means “pictures of the floating world” and refers to a particular style of Japanese paintings and woodblock prints produced from the 17th-19th Centuries. These works featured subjects such as history and folk tales, travel scenes, and landscapes… but also erotica and portrayals of performers and sex workers.)

The Kinbaku Ukiyoe leather strap-on harness is made of lamb leather and suede, black on the inside and printed with a red rose pattern on the outside. Of course, if you’re vegan or otherwise object to animal leather, you’ll want to skip this one.

Kinbaku Ukiyoe Red Leather Strap-On Harness Review: What I Liked

Kinbaku Ukiyoe leather strap-on harness box

I’ve also discovered that, though I do enjoy both roles, I am more of a strap-on Top than a strap-on bottom. Which was an interesting and slightly surprising thing to learn about myself!

I pretty much always use my reliable fave harness these days but I do like to try new things. So I was excited to try out the Liebe Seele Kinbaku Ukiyoe harness. First let’s look at the things I liked about it.

  • It arrived beautifully packaged and presented. This strap-on harness comes in a sturdy red box with a gold kintsugi print and a cardboard sleeve featuring a ukiyo-e style erotic image of two women having sex. The same image is printed on an included silky fabric square. In the box, the harness’s wrapping is tissue paper with the same kintsugi print. The overall effect is thoughtful and luxurious.
  • When I took it out of the box, I gasped at how beautiful this harness is. The rose print is striking and gorgeous, with an aesthetic somewhere between “goth” and “high femme.” The hardware is copper-plated metal in an attractive muted gold shade.
  • The strap-on harness’s red leather and black suede look and feel of excellent quality. They are soft and supple and have only become more so with handling and wear. They also have that wonderful and inimitable leather smell that I love so much.
  • The harness is adjustable in two places: the waistband and also the two straps that sit around the butt and between the legs. This makes it easy to adjust it to your unique body.
  • The included O-ring is 2.5″ in diameter but you can easily swap it out for a different size. Just unfasten the poppers and insert your preferred ring size.
  • It’s clearly well made and seems built to last, with neat and strong stitching and strong hardware.
  • It is easy to put on. Some strap-on harnesses are so confusing that by the time you’ve wrestled your way into them, all the sexiness is gone from the moment. This one takes seconds to put on and adjust.
  • Perhaps most importantly, the Kinbaku Ukiyoe red leather strap-on harness is wonderful to wear. As I’ve already mentioned, the leather is super soft and it works with my body like a second skin. It is breathable so I don’t get too hot wearing it, and it stays in position without constant readjusting.

Anything I Didn’t Like?

Kinbaku Ukiyoe leather strap-on harness.

My only significant complaint about the Kinbaku Ukiyoe red leather strap-on harness is that it is not as size-inclusive as it could be. The harness’s waistband is adjustable from 78-116cm (around 30-45″) which will fit a lot of users but also exclude a lot of others. I’d like to see more adjustability or, failing that, a larger version also available.

Due to the design, there also isn’t anywhere to include a vibrating bullet or other toy to stimulate the wearer. This doesn’t matter to me in the slightest – when I’m strap-on Topping, I’m focusing on my partner’s pleasure and prefer not to have distractions – but it will be a downside for some users.

I also would have liked it to come with more O-ring sizes, as opposed to just one. If you want to try different ring sizes, I recommend the set of four from Sportsheets which retails for an affordable £9.99.

Verdict

A truly beautiful and well-made harness that is a joy to wear and use. Just be aware of the sizing restrictions and measure yourself to ensure it will fit you before you buy. Otherwise, I adore this harness.

The Kinbaku Ukiyoe red leather strap-on harness retails for £172. Use my code Amy15 to get 15% off this or any other purchase sitewide at Liebe Seele.

Thank you to Liebe Seele for sending me this strap-on harness to test and review. All views are, as always, mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.

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How to Use Ejaculating Dildos and Squirting Dildos

Published on by Amy

Do you enjoy the sensation, or the idea, of having someone ejaculate inside you or on your body? Getting aroused by bodily fluids such as semen (cum) is very common. You might think that you need a partner to enjoy this particular kink, but that’s not necessarily true. You can also use ejaculating dildos, AKA squirting dildos.

Ejaculating dildos are designed to squirt a liquid out of the tip in a way that mimics a bio-cock ejaculating. They typically have a bulb, syringe, or similar receptacle inside which you can fill with liquid, and then a tube that connects this to the head of the toy. There will be something you can press or squeeze to have the toy ejaculate when you want it to.

Why Use an Ejaculating or Squirting Dildo?

Ejaculating dildo by Nothosaur

Playing with bodily fluids such as cum can be extremely hot. However, it also carries some risks including STI transmission and unwanted pregnancy if you are a person who can get pregnant. You may not be willing or able to take those risks, or only be willing to take them within a very specific relational context. They also require a partner or partners. If you’re single or not in a relationship where fluid exchange is part of your dynamic, an ejaculating dildo can be an accessible and safe alternative.

In addition, ejaculating dildos allow you to experiment with and indulge various kinks, fetishes, and fantasies. We’ll look at some of those in more detail below.

How to Choose and Set Up an Ejaculating or Squirting Dildo

Nothosaur ejaculating dildos gif

Many ejaculating dildos are still made out of unsafe materials such as jelly, PVC and latex. These materials are porous and often contain toxic additives such as phthalates, which should not be going anywhere near your body. Always look for an ejaculating dildo made from a body-safe material, typically silicone. Consider the size, shape, texturing, and aesthetic preferences that work for you, too.

Good ejaculating dildos are easy to set up, though the specifics will vary product to product. Manufacturers usually provide instructions along with their toys. Typically you’ll need to suck up your chosen liquid into the bulb or syringe and then reattach it to the tube and the toy.

It’s also important to learn how to clean your ejaculating dildo properly. Leaving liquids such as lube inside your toy can breed bacteria and may damage the toy or lead to an infection. Again, follow the manufacturer’s instructions here. In general, silicone can be boil-sterilised for a thorough cleaning. Plastic components can be cleaned with warm water and a gentle antibacterial soap or with a body-safe sterile wipe (I buy these from an online medical supplies store.) Take particular care in creases, crevices and small parts where fluids can build up.

Which Kinds of Lube Are Best?

Nothosaur ejaculating dildos

The most common liquid to use with an ejaculating dildo is lubricant. You have a few different options to choose from here, and it depends what your main goals are in using an ejaculating dildo.

If you want to simulate the feeling of a bio-cock ejaculating as closely as possible, then “cum lube” (which is designed to mimic the look, colour and consistency of cum) is your friend. Remember to pay attention to the ingredients if the lube is going to be going inside you. Avoid ingredients like glycerin, propylene glycol, and parabens. If the lube is just going to stay on the outside of your body, this is less of a concern.

If your toy is silicone, do not use a silicone-based lube as it may damage the toy.

What Kinks and Fetishes Can You Explore with Ejaculating Dildos?

Nothosaur ejaculating dildos

Everyone who is into ejaculating dildos enjoys them in different ways and for different reasons. But if you’re curious, here are a few of the kinks, fetishes and fantasies you can explore or play out using them.

Simultaneous Climax

In reality, both partners reaching orgasm at the same time during penetrative (vaginal or anal) sex is difficult to achieve. I advocate against making it a goal, because chasing it can just stress you out and take the fun out of things.

However, if you want to feel someone ejaculate inside you at the same moment that you climax, you can easily simulate this with an ejaculating dildo. Simply press the bulb or syringe at the right moment.

Threesomes or Group Sex

Threesomes and group sex are incredibly common fantasies, but not everyone can (or wants to) act them out in reality. However, you can simulate some aspects of the experience using toys.

For example, perhaps you’re into the idea of double penetration and having both partners ejaculate inside you at the same time. If so, using an ejaculating dildo along with being penetrated by your partner, and pressing the button on the dildo at the same moment that they climax, can provide a similar physical sensation. And if you’re single or playing solo, there’s nothing to stop you using two ejaculating dildos at the same time (though this might require some impressive physical dexterity but if you can pull it off, have at it!)

Cuckolding or Chastity

Chastity refers to restricting or inhibiting someone’s ability to orgasm, either through instructions or a physical barrier such as a chastity device. Cuckolding refers to getting turned on by your partner having sexual experiences with others, often as part of a submission or humiliation kink.

Ejaculating dildos can be a great addition to these kinks and fantasies without the need to involve third parties. For example, you can make your cuckold partner watch without touching themselves while your dildo ejaculates inside you. Adding dirty talk can make the experience feel even hotter and more authentic.

Bukkake

Bukkake refers to multiple people ejaculating onto the body or face of another person. It’s a surprisingly common fetish! Ejaculating dildos can be a safe and simple way to explore this kink, enjoying the physical sensation of having cum on your body and the fantasy of multiple partners ejaculating over you.

Impregnation

Impregnation kinks are also surprisingly common. This refers to being turned on by the idea of someone getting you pregnant.

The majority of people with this kink do not actually want to become pregnant, and certainly not every time they have sex. Many people play with it by having trusted partners ejaculate inside them without barriers while using birth control. Another easy way to play with this kink without the risk of actual pregnancy is to use an ejaculating dildo.

What Do YOU Like About Using Ejaculating or Squirting Dildos?

With any kink, the most interesting question to me is always “what appeals about this to you?”. So ask yourself why you’re drawn to ejaculating dildos. What is it about them that you like? What fantasy or interest do they hit? Your reasons might not be the same as anyone else’s, and that’s great. Sex and kink are, after all, spaces of infinite variety.

Thanks to Nothosaur for sponsoring this post! Check out their range of squirting and ejaculating dildos, fantasy toys, and much more. All views and writing mine. Images and GIFs kindly provided by Nothosaur.

Header image for Mr Hankey's Toys review of Monster Dildo

[Toy Review] Mr Hankey’s Toys Monster Dildo

Published on by Amy

I don’t think I (or my vagina) was feeling particularly brave when I ordered the Mr Hankey’s Monster Dildo from the website, because I chose the smallest of four available sizes. Even so, I took it out of the box and my immediate reaction was “wow, this thing is huge!”

As with the Mr Hankey’s Perfect Penis, I cannot get my entire hand around this toy’s shaft.

So how did I get on with this monster of a realistic dildo? This is the third in my series of reviews for Mr Hankey’s Toys, who are also one of my site sponsors, winner of tonnes of adult industry awards, and all-round purveyors of stellar sex toys in both the fantasy and realistic categories.

Mr Hankey’s Toys Monster Dildo

Mr Hankey's Toys Monster Dildo

The Mr Hankey’s Toys Monster Dildo in size medium measures 9.13″ in total length, 7″ in insertable length, and 2.46″ in diameter at the widest point. Again: this is the smallest size! The remaining sizes measure 11.38″, 13.5″, and 15.75″ in total length respectively, with corresponding girth increases. If you want serious size and lots of it, you’ve come to the right place.

This toy is made of body-safe silicone and available in an array of colours from skin tones to brights, metallics, and even UV-reactive shades. You can also choose different firmness levels, from very soft to extra firm, and add a vac-u-lock hole if you wish.

In terms of firmness, 75% firmness or medium will suit most users. 75% firm is supposed to resemble a bio-cock that is 75-80% erect, and many Mr Hankey’s customers report that it feels the most lifelike of the options. Medium is closer in firmness to a fully erect penis.

What I Liked About the Monster Dildo

Mr Hankey's Toys Monster Dildo

I found this toy challenging to use. And that’s fine—sometimes a challenge can be fun! I do prefer girth over length (hitting my cervix = ow, bad pain!) though so I’d be more inclined to reach for a girthy toy like this one if I was in the mood for a large insertable. Overall, the girthy design is excellent for those who enjoy the sensation of a stretch, but don’t desire or enjoy excessive length.

This one takes a lot of warm-up and lube for me to use it comfortably. And even then, as I said, I’d describe the experience as challenging and seriously, seriously intense.

Let’s look at some of the specific features of the Monster Dildo that I enjoyed.

  • I really love the shade of purple and the shimmery effect from the metallic colourway.
  • This is a highly realistic toy, down to the skin texturing of the balls and the detailing around the head and foreskin. It was apparently life-cast from a real penis owned by a person simply known as “The Jackpot.”
  • At least at this size, it stands up on its own due to the size of the base. If you want to use the toy hands-free, this makes it easier to do so as you can simply put it on a firm surface and then “ride” it.
  • The gentle curve is ideal for targeting your G-spot or prostate. When I’m able to get the toy inside me, it presses firmly against my G-spot in a very enjoyable way.
  • At the firmness level I chose (75% soft or the second softest), it’s fairly squishy and flexible. For a toy of this size, that’s going to be essential for a lot of users. If you like a lot of flex, go softer. If you prefer more rigid toys, go firmer.
  • The large base makes it anal-safe, if that’s your thing. There was no universe in which this thing was going in my butt, but it can safely go in yours if you’d like. (Obligatory disclaimer: if you’re putting something of this size in your butt, go S L O W L Y. Use even more lube than you think you need. To be fair, that actually applies to vaginal use as well, but the butt isn’t self-lubricating so you’ll need to be even more careful.)

Anything I Didn’t Like?

Mr Hankey's Toys Monster Dildo

Personally, I don’t like the pronounced ridge on the underside of the Monster Dildo’s shaft. Even with plenty of lubrication, I consistently found it made insertion uncomfortable. Once the toy was fully inserted, I could still feel the ridge in a way that was pretty distracting.

Like the other Mr Hankey’s Toys I’ve tried, the silicone is very matte. I would have preferred a smoother silicone for a toy of this size. With that said, a smoother silicone would lessen the realistic effect of the toy’s appearance, so it’s a trade-off. As you can probably see in the photos, it also gathers lint and dust.

The texturing can make the Monster Dildo take a little longer to clean. This isn’t really a problem, just something to be aware of. You’ll want to make sure you’ve got all bodily fluids and lube out of the little creases.

Due to its size, the Monster Dildo is also pretty heavy. It’s just about manageable at this size but I have to imagine that the larger versions could be quite difficult to hold and manipulate in use.

Verdict

Honestly, the final analysis is that even in the smallest size this toy is bordering on too large for me. And that’s fine—I am not really the target market for very large toys. But you might be, and this is an excellent choice if so! So many large toys are not body-safe, so it is nice to have somewhere to point my readers for oversized toys that are also safe and well-made.

And make no mistake, this is a beautifully designed toy. The attention to detail is excellent and the array of colours and effects on offer means that you can truly make it your own.

I like having this in my collection but I don’t think it will be going in my body very often. I can enjoy it occasionally, but it’s going to be a once-in-a-while thing and probably revolve around enjoying the challenge as part of a kink dynamic.

The Mr Hankey’s Monster Dildo’s pricing begins at $140.95 for the size Medium in a standard colourway. Going up in size, adding effects, and adding a vac-u-lock hole all add to the price.

Thanks to Mr Hankey’s Toys for sponsoring this review! All views are, as always, my own.