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A woman with long red hair facing away. She is wearing a skin-tight wet look mini dress and holding a riding crop. Text reads: Lovehoney Fierce review.

[Fetishwear Review] Lovehoney Fierce Range: Catsuit, Lace-Up Bra Set, and Wet Look Cut-Out Mini Dress

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Halloween is coming, which can mean only one thing: scary, kinky parties! So naturally, I’m already planning my outfits for some adventures at the end of the month. In honour of spooky season, Lovehoney kindly sent me a few pieces from their Fierce collection to try and review: the Fierce Catsuit, Wet Look Cut-Out Mini Dress, and Lace-Up Bra St.

Update: A Note on Materials

These pieces from the Lovehoney Fierce range are all made of a black faux-leather, wet-look fabric, which is a polyester/elastane mix. Though they are not animal-derived and are therefore technically vegan, I don’t love that Lovehoney is using synthetic (read: plastic-derived) materials. These fabrics are awful for the environment, both in production and after you discard them.

Since I first wrote these reviews a few years ago, I’ve learned a lot more about fabrics, their eco implications, and the impact of textile waste. Personally, with what I know now, I would not buy these pieces new today. However, since I already own and like them, I’ll be wearing and caring for them for as long as I can to extend their lifespan.

I’m not going to tell you to avoid polyester entirely, as unfortunately it’s ubiquitous. However, I will offer the following tips to help you minimize your impact if you do choose to buy and wear synthetic fabrics,

  1. Buy second hand wherever you can
  2. If you must buy new, only choose pieces you really love
  3. Wear and care for your items for as long as you can
  4. Mend, upcycle/repurpose, resell, donate, or recycle at the end of the item’s life

All Lovehoney Fierce items are hand-wash only. Use cold water and a little gentle detergent, then dry them on the washing line. Studies have shown that handwashing results in far fewer microplastics being shed from polyester clothes, so following these instructions also reduces the environmental impact of your polyester garments.

With that said, let’s dive into the reviews.

Lovehoney Fierce Wet Look Cut-Out Mini Dress

Lovehoney wet look minidress product photo
Image: Lovehoney

The Fierce Wet Look Cut-Out Mini Dress is a luscious deep, shiny black that catches the light when you move.

I debated whether to categorise this piece as clothing or as lingerie. It’s definitely a dress, but it’s also extremely short. Unless you’re maybe 5’2″ or under, this is not going to be something you can wear to an ordinary club or bar. It fastens up the front with a zipper, and the collar closes with bra style clasps with three tightness settings to choose from. Once you fasten the collar, you get a cut-out peephole neckline which is super sexy and shows off your cleavage or upper chest. The Fierce Wet Look Cut-Out Mini Dress is a rare gem for me: a garment that works with my G-cup chest, rather than fighting against it.

The Fierce Wet Look Cut-Out Mini Dress is designed to fit snugly. These pieces run pretty true to size, in my experience, but I’d recommend sizing down rather than up if you’re between sizes. Thanks to the lack of wires, this dress is pretty comfortable. However, the synthetic fabric doesn’t really breathe so it gets extremely hot after a while especially if you’re in a warm environment.

I feel sexy in a vampy sort of way in this dress. I love the way it enhances the curve of my waist and hips and shows off my shape at its best. I’ll likely pair it with some killer heels, sexy stockings, and kitty ears for a full Halloween look. This range is well-named—it really does make me feel fiercely fabulous!

Buy the Lovehoney Fierce Wet Look Cut-Out Mini Dress for £34.99 from Lovehoney UK or $47.99 from Lovehoney North America.

Feline Fierce: Lovehoney Wet Look Catsuit

Lovehoney model in black PVC wet look catsuit
Image: Lovehoney

The Lovehoney Fierce Wet Look Catsuit, like the Cut-Out Minidress, is shiny and catches the light beautifully. It features a collar neckline which fastens with bra-style clasps, and a cleavage-displaying cut out section at the front. Mesh panels at the hips show a glimpse of skin.

The Lovehoney Fierce Wet Look Catsuit fastens with a single, long zip that runs from the centre of the chest all the way to the top of the butt. With a zip pull at each end, you can choose how open or closed you want the front. You can also unzip the back for easy access for sex without needing to take the whole thing off.

This one also runs fairly true to size but, again, I suggest sizing down rather than up if you’re between sizes. It’s supposed to be skin-tight. The legs were a little long for me, though, and I’m a fairly average 5’5″. Something to be aware of if you’re on the shorter side.

The material is soft and comfortable to wear, The overheating issue is a major consideration, though, since it’s non-breathable and covers most of your body.

Skin-tight black clothing is typically associated with a dominatrix look. However, I’m much more inclined towards the subby end of the spectrum. Fortunately, clothing can be whatever you make it. I feel like I can definitely use this piece to tap into aspects of my submissive self. It’s also perfect for pet-play enthusiasts, those looking to add a sex kitten twist to their bedroom or club look, or anyone who loves skintight shiny things but can’t be bothered with the faff of wearing latex.

The Lovehoney Fierce Wet Look Catsuit retails for £44.99 from Lovehoney UK or $59.99 from Lovehoney North America.

Lovehoney Fierce Lace-Up Bra Set

The Lovehoney Fierce Lace-Up Bra Set on the model
Image: Lovehoney

The Lovehoney Fierce Lace-Up Bra Set is a two-piece set consisting of a non-wired, halter-neck bra and a pair of high-waisted knickers. Both have cut-out sections with lace-up detailing. The knicker waist and the bra band are made of stretchy elastic.

As the elastic is stretchy and the bra has 3 clasp options and a tie-up halterneck, the sizing is somewhat adjustable. I usually wear a UK size 14/16 and the large fits me comfortably. Some reviewers noted that the knickers were on the small side so, unlike the catsuit and minidress, I suggest going up a size if you’re between sizes.

The fabric feels nice against my skin, and the stretchy elastic waist and underbust bands mean nothing is digging in or pinching. Overall, surprisingly comfortable! So the moment of truth: did it contain my chest?The answer to that is… kind of.

My boobs mostly fit into the cups and stay put when I wear this set, particularly when I tie the halterneck quite tight to give them a little extra lift. However, there’s usually a bit of nipple slippage when I’ve been wearing it for a while.

The Lovehoney Fierce wet look lace-up bra set set is very much my style. The feminine silhouette with a kinky edge just speaks very much to my personal aesthetic goals. Lovehoney describe it as a “Dominatrix-inspired look,” but that’s just one possible interpretation. The open panels, easy access through the lacing, and crotchless knickers all speak to vulnerability to me, which helps me tap into my submissive headspace when I’m wearing it.

The laced up detailing really makes this set for me. It’s just the right level of showing off my body while leaving enough to the imagination.

This set retails £34.99 from Lovehoney UK or $47.99 from Lovehoney North America.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Fierce Lace-Up Bra Set, Catsuit, and Wet-Look Cut-Out Mini Dress to review. All views are, as always, my own. This post contains affiliate links.

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How to Find a Dom or Sub: Five Places to Meet People

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Spend five minutes on Fetlife or r/BDSM or any other online kink space, and this question will inevitably crop up. “How do I find a Dom?” “How do I find a sub?” “Where do kinky people meet each other, anyway!?” So I thought it was past time for me to share a few ideas on how to find a Dom or sub to share kinky adventures with.

Looking for your kinky soulmate or just someone to have some fun times with? Perhaps you’ve tried all those “FIND KINKY GIRLS TONIGHT!” sites advertised at the top of Google and had no luck. Fortunately, we’re long past the days of posting a coded ad in the back of a newspaper.

Wherever you are on your journey, here are five great ways to meet kinky people that you may not have thought of.

How to Find a Dom or Sub: Five Places to Meet People

1. How to Find a Dom or Sub on Fetlife

Fetlife, known affectionately as the Facebook of kink, is not exclusively a dating site. It’s a social networking site for kinky people. But I know many people who have met partners on there, and it is a fantastic hub of online kinky socialising.

Don’t just spam your personal ad or start cold messaging people, though. Take the time to create an engaging profile, participate in some group discussions, and contribute constructively to the platform.

Before you message someone, read their profile carefully. Do they clearly state they’re not looking? Move on. Remember that kinky people are people first, so approach them respectfully. Do not assume a dynamic where none exists, and do not get sexually explicit until consent has been established. Mentioning a shared interest is good. Immediately asking someone to spank you or be your Mistress is… not.

2. Meeting Potential Partners at Munches

A munch is a social event for kinky people, usually held in a vanilla location such as a bar, pub, restaurant, coffee shop, or park. There are munches in most major cities and many smaller towns, too.

In the Covid times, many munch organisers took their events online, and some online munches are still running. These can be great if you live in a rural area or don’t have access to transport. But I really recommend getting out there in the real world if you can. Munches can be a great way to make friends and maybe eventually find a Dom or sub.

Don’t go to a munch with the intention of picking someone up on your first visit. Instead, chat to everyone and aim to built social connections. If you hit it off with someone you fancy, great! If not, you’ll have started developing a network of kinky contacts and getting your face known in the community. You never know who could introduce you to the Dominant or submissive of your dreams (or at least the next person you’ll have fun tying up).

3. Can You Find a Dom or Sub on Mainstream Dating Sites?

Yes, kinky people use Tinder and OKCupid, too!

If you’re using regular dating sites, consider putting something about your kink proclivities in your profile. (But don’t be gross about it. Even something as simple as “Dominant looking to connect with subs or switches” or “I’m looking for the D to my s” is good!)

Again, always read someone’s profile in full before messaging, and always be polite and respectful. As you browse, you might be surprised how many kinksters are on these sites for precisely the same reasons you are.

4. Underrated Place for Kinky Connections: r/BDSMpersonals

Reddit can be so many things, from a toxic cesspit to an absolute goldmine of useful information and interesting people. I’ve heard mixed things about the r/BDSMpersonals subreddit, but people do claim to have met both short-term and long-term partners on there. If you’re looking to find a Dom or sub, it’s worth a try.

You can create a post sharing your location, gender, age, kink role, and a bit about what you’re looking for. A recent glance indicates that posts by women tend to get far more engagement than posts by men, but it’s worth a shot whatever your gender.

Remember that, as with any online meeting, be cautious and exercise good judgement. Never give out personally identifiable information until you’ve met in person and got to know each other, and always meet in a well-lit public place at least the first couple of times.

If you want to find a Dom or sub, you don’t need to limit yourself to platforms and locations that are built around dating. You know those stereotypes about kinksters and geeks, or kinksters and LARPers, or kinksters and Renaissance Faire enthusiasts? They’re all kinda true. (See also goths, polyamorous people, and so on.)

Obviously not everyone you meet in these spaces will be kinky, and you should never assume. But the crossover is large.

While I do not advocate for getting into a hobby or subculture just to meet a potential partner, if any of them appeal to you for their own sake, they might have the pleasant side-effect of allowing you to meet fellow kinky people in a vanilla or vanilla-ish space.

How to Find a Sub or Dom: A Word of Caution

Naturally, these are only suggestions and I can’t guarantee any of them will work for you. Sometimes, meeting people can be a strange mix of circumstances and right place/right time happenstance, so keep your eyes open and treat everyone you meet in the community as a potential friend.

Finally, please be aware of the dreaded frenzy. If you’re starting to feel like you just need to play with someone – anyone – then you might be in sub-frenzy or Dom-frenzy. If so, then this is a good time to pause and reevaluate before diving into anything.

Happy kinky dating!

This post uses affiliate links.

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[Toy Review] Doxy Die Cast 3R

Published on by Amy

Update 2026: This product has been discontinued as part of the recent Doxy relaunch. The Die Cast Compact is the closest alternative.

As a devoted and long-term Doxy fan, I was delighted to receive the new Die Cast 3R cordless version of their iconic wand vibrator to test and review.

Doxy Die Cast 3R: Introduction

Modelled on the full-size Die Cast wand, the Doxy Die Cast 3R is a miniature, rechargeable version. Here’s how they compare in size:

Doxy Die Cast and Doxy Die Cast 3R for comparison

The Die Cast 3R measures 11″ in length and the head measures 1.8″ in diameter. It features a stylish aluminium body and a body-safe silicone head. This toy weights 328g according to Doxy. This is just over 2.5 times less than the 869g of the full-size Die Cast.

I love the purple version I received, but the smart matte black standard version is just as gorgeous. Some suppliers also offer fun colourways and patterns from hot pink to tiger stripes to roses and beyond.

The head unscrews, making it easy to clean. This is helpful, since the Die Cast 3R is not waterproof.

The Doxy Die Cast 3R also has a travel lock. Pro tip: mine came with this enabled, which confused me for a minute, so if you’re having trouble turning the toy on this is probably the issue.

Doxy Die Cast 3R for Doxy review

Doxy Die Cast 3R in Use: Pros

The main reason I love wand vibrators and reach for my Doxy Original and Doxy Die Cast so much is, of course, that they’re knock-your-socks-off powerful. When I’m having a low-sensitivity day, when my medication’s sexual side effects are getting in the way of my pleasure, when a shitty buzzy vibrator has numbed out my clit, or when I just want to get off quickly and get on with my day, they can be relied upon to get the job done quickly.

Did the Doxy Die Cast 3R match up? The short answer is “yes… sort of.”

According to Doxy’s convenient comparison chart, this toy has half the power of the Die Cast (its flagship and most powerful wand.) However, in a toy this size, that 50% still packs a serious punch. You still get intense, powerful, rumbly vibes and lots of them.

It’s also worth noting that the vibrations do feel different to the full-sized Doxy wands. This is likely due to the smaller head size. As the vibrations are focused into a smaller area, you get more direct intense stimulation instead of the broad, all-over rumble you get from a full-sized wand.

If noise is a concern for you, a petite wand like this one could be a better choice for you than a full-sized wand vibrator. Though it’s not exactly what I would call truly quiet, you do lose some of the volume thanks to its smaller size.

The Doxy Die Cast 3R features the same convenient three-button interface as other products in the Doxy wand range. The buttons are large and light up, making this toy ideal for use in low lighting. You can turn the power up and down by either pressing or press-holding the plus and minus buttons. (Dual directional speed controls? We love to see it!)

Doxy wand buttons for Doxy vibrator review

Doxy Die Cast 3R Rechargeable in Use: Cons

If the Doxy Die Cast 3R has one major let-down, it’s this: its charging and run time. A full charge takes four hours and gives only one hour of use. In reality, that means this is a toy you might need to plan ahead to use. If you’re someone who can have multiple orgasms and wants to get off several times in one session, this might be a downside.

Doxy wand insignia on magic wand massager

Verdict: Is it Worth the Cost?

If you’re looking for a cordless or travel-friendly wand vibrator that still offers virtually unbeatable intensity, the Doxy Die Cast 3R is a no-brainer. The rechargeable 3R is more expensive than both the Doxy Original and the Doxy Number 3 corded. You’re paying a premium for the rechargeable option, but some people will find this worth it.

While I do prefer the extra kick of the Die Cast Original’s superior motor, the 3R is a great alternative when I’m travelling, don’t have the energy to hold such a heavy toy, or can’t be bothered to scout around for power outlets at a play party.

The concentration of the vibrations into a smaller head is also a good choice if you’re looking for something a little less broad than a full-sized wand. Overall, I’m happy to give the Doxy Die Cast 3R a glowing recommendation.

The Doxy Die Cast 3R has been discontinued, but there are a few left Lovehoney US (use my code AFF-COFFKINK10 on any Lovehoney site to get 10% off your entire purchase). The closest alternative from the new Doxy range is the Die Cast Compact.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review! All views, as always, are my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

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How to Set Boundaries Firmly But Lovingly

Published on by Amy1 Comment

The older and more experienced I get, the more I learn that all healthy and loving relationships—romantic, platonic, familial, and even professional—must have good boundaries. But what are boundaries, why are boundaries important, what does setting and holding boundaries in a loving way look like?

This post focuses on romantic and sexual relationships, since that’s my main area of expertise and the theme of this blog. However, many of these tips for setting boundaries can apply to any type of relationship.

What Are Boundaries?

Love is Respect (a fantastic resource on healthy relationships aimed at young people) has this to say:

Boundaries are really about your relationship with yourself; they help you honor your needs, goals, feelings and values. Boundaries can be emotional, physical or even digital.

Love is Respect

In other words, boundaries are about the things that are yours and over which you have ultimate say. Access to your body, your time, your home, your property, emotional or physical intimacy with you, and even your digital spaces are all areas where boundaries are essential.

Boundaries are not weapons, rules under another name, or things you should wield to punish someone else. They are ultimately about what you will you and how you will respond to certain situations. “I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful” is a boundary. “I don’t trust you, so you have to let me go through your phone whenever I want” is not.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Good boundaries are a crucial component of taking care of yourself. Without strong boundaries, you are likely to end up feeling used, burned out, or taken advantage of. This can happen even if no-one has any ill intent towards you. Boundaries are one tool we can use to protect ourselves. They help you to keep a strong sense of self, drawing a clear line in the sand between what you will and won’t tolerate, what you will and won’t do, and where you end and someone else begins.

Good boundaries enable true consent to exist. A person can only give a meaningful yes (to sex, a date, a new project or responsibility, or even just a conversation) if they also have the ability to safely say no. Good boundaries allow us to say yes when we mean it, and no when we need to.

What Do I Mean By Loving Boundaries?

When I talk about “loving boundaries,” I am talking about setting and holding boundaries in a way that enables strong, healthy, and loving relationships to flourish.

If you’ve historically been bad at setting and maintaining boundaries, it can be difficult to know where to start. You might worry that people will be upset, angry, or disappointed when you start to set boundaries with them. You might even be right! But that just makes those boundaries even more important. And in a healthy, loving relationship, your boundaries are gifts to your loved ones. They are a guiding light in how to love you and how to help you love yourself.

There are times, unfortunately, when setting loving boundaries won’t work. If someone is determined to violate your boundaries, you might need to be firmer or impose harsher consequences for overstepping them, such as ending a relationship or telling them to leave your space.

Here are a few of the strategies I’ve found most effective in setting and holding loving boundaries. Hopefully some of them will work for you, too.

Use “I” Statements When Setting Loving Boundaries

Boundaries are about you, so use “I” statements when you set them as far as possible. This can help prevent the other person from getting defensive or pushing back against what you’re saying. It also reduces the likelihood that they’ll hear your boundary as blame, a punishment, or shutting them out.

Here are a couple of examples:

“I’d love to cuddle with you but I don’t want to have sex tonight.”

“If I’m in my office with the door closed, I’m focusing on work and only want to be interrupted if it’s an emergency.”

Use a Calm Tone of Voice

Loving boundaries should be communicated calmly as far as possible. This can help to keep the boundary conversation respectful and positive. Raised voices, name calling, or an accusatory tone are all likely to make them defensive before you’ve had chance to make your point.

It might sometimes be necessary but as a general rule, the middle of an argument isn’t a great time to have a positive discussion about your boundaries and needs.

Here’s a low-stakes example: imagine you’ve had a tough day and you just want to zone out on the couch by yourself for a while, but your partner wants to chat about something non-urgent. Consider the difference between “ugh, go away!” and “honey, I need a little space to myself right now, can I check in with you in half an hour?” One is brusque, harsh, and likely to make your partner feel unwanted or scolded. The other calmly tells them what you need and when they can expect you to re-engage.

Assume the Other Person is On Your Side and Wants to Support You in Setting and Holding Boundaries

Unless you have very clear evidence to the contrary, assume that the other person is on your side and cares about you. This means that they wouldn’t want you to overextend yourself or say yes when you really mean no. Part of loving you is supporting you in setting and holding boundaries.

Assuming you’re on the same side will help you approach boundaries as a necessary self-care step for yourself, and not as something you’re doing to the other person. It can also be self-fulfilling; if you signal to the person that you expect them to be understanding and respectful, they’re more likely to want to live up to that expectation by responding appropriately.

Consider When to Compromise (and When Not To)

Compromise is essential in healthy relationships. This means you might not get 100% of what you want in every situation. If your needs conflict with your partner’s, it can be useful to have a frank conversation and try to come to a compromise.

However, you should never compromise on a firm boundary. If you’re someone who (like me) tends towards people-pleasing, what the other person thinks is loving compromise can look like you conceding your boundaries to keep the peace. Don’t do that.

Directness is Kindness: Loving Boundaries Are Not Ambiguous

One of the biggest headfucks in a relationship can be not knowing where you stand or what the other person needs. By making someone guess at your needs or hiding your true feelings, you’re not doing them any favours. People who care about you would rather know what’s going on with you. Setting and holding firm boundaries is more loving than being vague.

Being direct gives the other person the gift of knowing you better and having clear information about what you need. Clarity, specificity, and directness are essential when it comes to boundaries.

Model Respect for Others’ Boundaries

In a healthy relationship, both (/all) people have their boundaries lovingly heard and respected. So as well as setting and holding your own boundaries, you need to listen to and adhere to theirs.

You Get to Have Boundaries Even If Someone Else Doesn’t Like Them

You might do everything right when you set your boundaries, and the other person might still be upset. While you can sympathise and work with them to get both your needs met, their feelings about your boundaries are ultimately not your job to solve.

If someone becomes very angry or upset about a reasonable boundary, it might be because they felt (consciously or subconsciously) that they were owed a certain level of access to you. This is a huge sign that the boundary was necessary! Stand firm in holding your boundaries. If they’re consistently disrespected, it might be time to rethink the relationship.

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A Dom Ignored My Safeword. Now What?

Published on by Amy3 Comments

Please don’t be alarmed by the title of this post: having my safeword ignored isn’t something that has happened to be in many years. However, it is something I hear about from other kinksters with alarming frequency. I hate how common this scenario is, and I wanted to address it.

For anyone who doesn’t know, a safeword is an agreed-upon word that clearly and unambiguously means “stop immediately.” Safewords are employed in kink and BDSM situations, particularly those where words like “no” and “stop” not being taken at face value is part of the game or fantasy. They’re a way to withdraw consent with no risk of being misunderstood.

“Red” is a common safeword (with the accompanying “orange”/”amber” meaning pause and check in.) But your safeword can be whatever you want it to be. Fun fact: my first one was “canary.”

A safeword is an absolute. You should never play without one, no matter how long you’ve been together, and you should never, ever ignore one. Oh, and if you haven’t explicitly agreed otherwise, “no” and “stop” are the ultimate safewords in every context.

First: No, You’re Not Overreacting About Having Your Safeword Ignored

If a Dom has ignored your safeword, you might feel a range of different emotions. You might feel angry, sad, betrayed, frightened, numb, or something else entirely. When a Dom ignored my safeword in a scene years ago, I felt scared first, sad second, and angry much later. Your experience might look very different.

Whatever you feel, and whether the harm is physical or psychological or both, your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting.

Seek Support If You Need It

Do you need to talk to a kinky friend or another partner, see a therapist, or yell into the void of an anonymous online forum? You get to seek support, whatever that looks like for you.

If the consent violation occurred in a public or semi-public location such as a dungeon, sex club, munch, or even a private kink party, consider telling an organiser, team member, or dungeon monitor. They should make sure you’re okay and help get you the support you need in the moment. They may also remove the perpetrator from the space and perhaps even issue a (temporary or permanent) ban.

You might also have been physically harmed. If you have been physically injured or been sexually assaulted in a way that leaves you vulnerable to an STI or an unwanted pregnancy, please seek medical attention immediately.

You Don’t Have to Confront the Person Who Ignored Your Safeword, But You Can If You Want To

Your only job is to take care of yourself. You don’t have to confront the person who ignored your safeword and call them out on it or initiate a conversation. But if you want to, you’re also within your rights to do so.

If telling them that what they did was fucked up and not okay, have at it. On the other hand, you might like to open a dialogue about how they can make amends for the harm they caused. If you’d rather stay far away from them, you get to do that, too.

You Don’t Need to Make Any Decisions About the Future of Your Relationship Right Now

Would I ever forgive a Dom who ignored my safeword? No, I don’t think so. But your mileage may vary and there are a lot of factors that go into this decision. You might want to end or change the relationship, or you might want to explore whether repair and reconciliation is possible.

You’re not obligated to give the person a second chance, no matter how apologetic and contrite they seem. Don’t let them guilt you into it if you don’t want to.

If you feel conflicted, you don’t have to decide straight away. You get to take all the time you need.

Speaking Out Is Your Choice

Choosing whether to speak out publicly about your experience is a very personal decision. There are good arguments on both sides and ultimately, the best choice is the one that’s right for you.

Either way, remember that their reputation and standing in the kink community is not your problem. You do not have to keep silent to protect them. You also do not have to make excuses for them or downplay what happened if you do choose to share it with others.

Sadly, when someone speaks up and says “this Dom ignored my safeword”, some people will accuse them of exaggerating or instigating a witch-hunt. You’re not. Keep speaking your truth if you want to.

Having Your Safeword Ignored is Never Your Fault

You might be tempted to blame yourself. You might be wondering if you didn’t say your safeword loudly or forcefully enough[1], if you should have put up more of a physical fight when the Dom continued, or if you used your safeword when it wasn’t “necessary.”

Sometimes, the Dominant in question will seek to blame you, too. One common tactic amongst abusive Doms is to say things like “I knew you could take more”, “I know what you need better than you do”, or “I told you I played hard so you should have known what to expect.”

No. All of this is bullshit. The only person to blame for ignoring your safeword is the person who did it, and there is never any excuse. Kink is about consent and without ongoing, active consent, it is abuse. You get to safeword at any point for any reason and to have it respected.

If you take nothing else away from this piece, please take this: it is not your fault.

[1] I want to acknowledge that there might be rare incidents where a Dom genuinely does not hear a safeword. This might happen in a loud environment like a club. But in those circumstances, they will be mortified and apologetic and go out of their way to take care of you the moment they realise what has happened. It is also the Dom’s responsibility to ensure consent is ongoing in those environments, whether through clear non-verbal safe signals, regular check-ins, or even just choosing to play somewhere a little quieter.

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Header image for audio erotica sponsored blog post for SofiaSins

How Audio Erotica is Making Smut More Inclusive

Published on by Amy
Sofia Sins logo

There are various different ways to consume erotic content, from written stories to visual pornography. Audio smut has rapidly emerged as a popular third option. Audio erotica from platforms such as Sofia Sins is making smut more welcoming, more inclusive, and more enjoyable for everyone. 

More Ways to Consume Erotic Stories

Many people find written or visual porn inaccessible for various reasons. For people who are blind or visually impaired, many traditional porn videos are likely to be somewhat or completely inaccessible. While many sites offering written stories can be used via a screen reader, that’s not necessarily a super appealing option.

But audio erotica opens up a whole new avenue of accessibility and enjoyment. The best audio smut is narrated by skilled voice performers with sexy voices (which can, of course, mean different things to different people.) Because quality erotica is for everyone, regardless of ability and regardless of whether they choose to watch it, read it, or listen to it. 

Audio Smut is Often Pleasure Focused and Sex Positive 

Whenever I’ve engaged with audio porn I’ve found the stories to be pleasure-focused, consent-minded, and generally sex positive, featuring mutually pleasurable sexual scenarios. This isn’t true across the board, of course, but it’s been the case more often than not in my experience.

So much mainstream porn is focused on male pleasure and the male gaze. But audio smut creators understand that women, non-binary folks, and queer people want quality erotic material just as much as cis men do. And they’re giving it to us.

I’ve also found that audio porn trends much less towards using dehumanising terminologies and categorisations. Mainstream porn sites often use terms that are problematic at best, and downright sexist, ageist, racist, or transphobic at worst. I haven’t encountered the same issue nearly as much in the audio smut space. 

Audio Smut Offers More Options for Creative Scenarios

Don’t get me wrong, porn makers and performers can get very creative! But ultimately, visual content will always be limited by what’s possible (and affordable) to pull off on screen. Audio erotica, though, allows for almost anything that the writers and creators can dream up.

So if immersing yourself in a futuristic, fantastical, or historical scenario sounds up your street, or you fantasise about sexual acts that are physically or biologically impossible or simply impractical to live out in reality, you can find all of those things and so much more. 

Sofia Sins Audio Erotica: A Discreet Option

You wouldn’t watch visual porn while on the Tube or while walking to work, right? And while it’s possible to sneakily read written erotica via a Kindle or smartphone app, there’s always the danger of someone looking over your shoulder. Discretion is required when consuming erotic content. The people around you didn’t consent to be exposed to it.

Audio smut, though, is easy to enjoy anywhere. Just choose your story, pop your headphones in, and no-one will be any the wiser. You could be listening to the morning news or a perfectly innocent podcast, for all anyone around you knows.

This is also particularly useful for those who need privacy because they live with family or have roommates or children at home.

Audio Smut Mitigates Many Ethical Concerns

There’s a huge amount of feminist, queer, consensual and ethical porn out there. I rarely watch porn but when I do, I prefer to access it either from trusted ethical producers or from independent producers who create, share, and sell their own content.

For the average consumer, though, the large free sites are still by far the most popular way to access porn. And while these sites do contain some good and ethical content, they’re also rife with stolen, non-consensual, and abusive material.

If you’ve ever watched mainstream porn and wondered whether the performers are really consenting or whether they’re being abused or coerced, you’re not alone. It’s a real and valid concern. Audio smut removes many of these potential harms.

Audio Smut Allows You to Insert Yourself Into a Fantasy

One of the biggest downsides of watching porn is that I can’t often find scenarios I find hot with bodies that look like mine or like the people I find most attractive. This makes it hard to get immersed in the fantasy.

But when all I’ve got is a voice, I can envision the main characters looking however I want them to look. Instead of the narrow and normative beauty standards set by mainstream porn, you’ve suddenly got a whole world of potential. 

Audio smut makes it easier to mentally put yourself into the scenario. Since the action all takes place in your ears and your mind, you can immerse yourself and place yourself into whichever role takes your fancy. Do you want to be the whip-wielding Domme? The helpless maiden? A member of the couple exploring group sex for the first time? Now you can.

Sofia Sins actually takes this premise a step further. When you choose the story you want to listen to, you can read a little bio for each of the main characters and decide whose perspective you want to hear. 

FYI: today’s post was sponsored by Sofia Sins audio smut subscription platform with subscriptions from just $29.99 per year. All views, as always, are my own! 

Wedding cake with bride and groom toppers, for a post about The Bold Type's Suttard and incompatibilities around wanting children

Richard and Sutton: Fundamental Incompatibilities, and Happy Ever After

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Like many fans of Freeform’s The Bold Type, I was rooting for a happy ending for Sutton Brady-Hunter and Richard Hunter (known collectively by the fandom as “Suttard”) as the show wrapped up its final season. From their attempt at a Bluetooth vibrator sex date to their adorable Paris reunion, Richard and Sutton (played by Sam Page and Megan Fahy, respectively) have been one of the show’s strongest couples from the beginning.

Fair warning: spoilers for all five seasons of The Bold Type and its ending incoming!

At the end of The Bold Type season 4, the newly married couple have a blow-out argument when Sutton realises she doesn’t want to have children while Richard longs to be a dad. At the beginning of season 5, he leaves her and begins divorce proceedings.

Over the course of the final season, Sutton destroys her wedding dress, throws a “divorce party,” starts therapy, and quits drinking in an attempt to get over Richard and get her life back together. Then they meet up to swap divorce papers, inevitably fall into bed with one another, and Richard realises how much he loves Sutton and that he doesn’t want a life without her. Even if it means giving up his dream of having children.

So far, so romantic, right? But…

Richard and Sutton Are Fundamentally Incompatible

No two people will ever be perfectly aligned on every issue or desire. That’s impossible because we’re all multifaceted, nuanced, and complex creatures. But there are, I believe, a few compatibility fundamentals. These are the things you need to agree on (or at least be genuinely, wholeheartedly happy to compromise on) in order to have a functional relationship.

Having children is one of those things. Others might include getting married or not, being monogamous or not, and possibly even political affiliation.

Some things are just deal breakers. Some things should be deal-breakers. Because in reality, much as we want to believe that love conquers all, it doesn’t. Love doesn’t conquer wanting different things in uncompromisable situations. You can’t have half a child. You can’t be half married. Love, however real and powerful, doesn’t make these incompatibilities go away or create the potential for a compromise where there is none. Sutton and Richard’s ending neatly sidesteps this reality.

Fairytale Endings: Fantasy vs. Reality

I’m glad the writers chose to end The Bold Type the way they did. Ultimately, this show is escapist fantasy, a Sex & the City for millennials with little grounding in the real world. Richard and Sutton fans were crushed when the couple split up and were rooting for them to get back together and somehow find a way through their conflicting desires.

The writers gave us what we wanted. Find me a single fan who didn’t let out a collective “awwww” at this moment:

GIF of Richard Hunter and Sutton Brady (Suttard)

But it really is just fantasy. In reality, fairytale endings like this don’t happen. Or if they do, they cause intense resentment and bigger problems down the line.

I admit that I struggle to relate to Richard, personally. As someone who decided early on that I will be childfree for life, I find it very difficult to imagine wanting to have children more than wanting to be with the person I love. (And my god, these two really do love each other. The two actors have incredible on-screen chemistry!)

But many people do feel like that, and it’s valid and real. Many people want to be a parent more than anything, even if it means they can’t be with the person they thought was their forever person. And those people can’t just switch that off the way Richard seems to in this too-neat-to-be-real happy ever after where he decides he wants to be with Sutton after all.

Do Fairytale Happy Endings Exist?

Sadly, no. At least not in the way you’re thinking of.

A much younger, more naive version of me thought that I’d find a fairytale happy ending someday. There have even been moments when I thought I’d found it. But I hadn’t, because it doesn’t exist.

Real relationships require constant communication, ongoing compromise, and re-calibration as you both grow and change. You can decide to be together, to commit, to go all-in, but that doesn’t take away from the very real work required to make love work long term.

Love is messy, love is nuanced, love is the best thing in the world. But it is not magical. It does not remove all obstacles or effortlessly sweep them aside. And some obstacles are too big to overcome. One person wanting children while the other doesn’t? That’s probably one of those obstacles.

So I’ll enjoy Richard and Sutton’s happy ending for what it is: escapist fantasy wrapping up five seasons of escapist fantasy. But I’m glad it’s not real. Because as much as I want someone to love me for the rest of my life, I would never want them to give up their greatest dream to be with me.

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Praise Kink Phrases: What is a Praise Kink and How Can You Enjoy It?

Published on by Amy20 Comments

Once in a while, I check the search terms people use to find me. For the last few months, the term “praise kink” has popped up again and again. Which is interesting, considering this is something I’ve never actually written about! So I thought it would be fun to talk about it. What is a praise kink, what are some praise kink phrases and ideas you can use, and what do you need to know about this incredibly popular fetish?

What is a Praise Kink?

In short, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Someone with a praise kink gets off on being praised, complimented, or receiving verbal approval. Less commonly, this kink is sometimes called “affirmation play.”

“But doesn’t everyone love praise?” you’re probably asking. And yes, many of us do! But having a praise kink isn’t quite the same thing. For people with a praise kink, certain words or phrases might elicit a sexual response, send them to subspace or Topspace (yes, it’s more common amongst submissives in my experience, but Tops and Dominants can have a praise kink too!) or otherwise have an impact beyond just “warm fuzzies from receiving a compliment”.

I don’t think there’s any actual data on this (can someone finance this study immediately please?) but I suspect there is a lot of crossover between those who enjoy praise in a kink context and those who have words of affirmation as one of their primary love languages.

Praise kink is often seen as being part of the softer, gentler type of BDSM. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be! As with all kinky things, it can be whatever you make of it.

Do You Have This Kink?

You might be reading this article wondering if this description applies to you. Sorry, I can’t answer this for you! The only person who knows for sure if you have a praise kink is you.

But consider these questions:

  • Do you have a sexual, submissive/dominant, or otherwise kink-based response to receiving praise?
  • Do you enjoy sex or a kink scene more when your partner gives you lots of positive verbal feedback?
  • When you think of verbal feedback that turned you on, could any of those phrases or your response to them be defined as praise kink?
  • When you think back on your hottest sex/kink scenes, do the complimentary things your partner said to you stand out as one of your favourite parts?

If any of these sound like you, then you might have a praise kink!

It’s important to note that praise kinks can be very contextual. While some people might find it hot whenever anyone gives them praise or a compliment, others find that this desire is specifically directed towards those with whom they have some kind of attraction, sexual relationship, or kink dynamic.

Praise Kink Ideas: Praise Kink Phrases You Can Use

Ultimately, the best way to learn what praise kink phrases will work for your partner is to ask them. Communication, understanding one another, and listening to feedback will get you further than a list of praise kink ideas ever will.

But if you’re not sure where to start, here are a few praise kink phrase ideas to get you started.

  • “You’re such a good… [girl/boy/slut/pet/their favourite term of endearment]”
  • “You’re doing/you did really well.”
  • “You look so beautiful/handsome/sexy when you… [insert activity here]”
  • “I’m so proud of you.”
  • “I love how well you took that spanking for me.”
  • “That feels amazing, keep doing that.”
  • “I love it when you… [insert action or activity here]”
  • “I can’t stop thinking about when you [insert hot or sexy thing they did here]”
  • “Your ass looks incredible in those panties”
  • “You’re so good at [eating my pussy/sucking my cock/fucking me/insert activity here]”
  • “I can’t wait to show you off to everyone at the club”
  • “You’re strong, I know you can take it for me”
  • “You’re so loved and cherished

These are all just ideas and you will undoubtedly come up with your own praise kink ideas and find your favourite phrases as you explore. Remember: the only right way to do it is the way that works for you and your partner.

Bellesa Plus. Woman of colour with curly hair posing on a bed in lingerie

What is Ethical Porn and How Can It Enhance Your Sex Life?

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I have no problem with porn, but I do have a pretty big problem with the mainstream porn industry. The largest and most dominant pornographic sites have come under fire for hosting non-consensual material including so-called “revenge porn” (i.e. image-based abuse) and even child abuse material. They also often steal content from indie and amateur creators. But all porn isn’t like that and there is an alternative. If you’ve never explored ethical porn, you’re missing out. But what is ethical porn all about and how is Bellesa bringing it to more bedrooms?

Bellesa Plus ethical porn streaming platform

Today I’m spotlighting ethical porn platform Bellesa Plus, a streaming platform that calls itself “The Netflix of Porn” with prices starting from $3 per month. The higher prices offer special perks, such as free sex toys and gift cards to the Bellesa Boutique (BBoutique), but the low entry point means you can enjoy more ethical adult content even if you’re on a budget. 

But What is Ethical Porn?

As with many of the things we consume, from food to media, people are becoming more and more concerned about the ethics behind their porn. Untangling exactly what constitutes ethical porn can be a minefield, especially given that the porn industry is still often defending its right to exist at all. 

Here are four things that I believe go into making porn ethical. These are bare minimum standards, not a comprehensive framework; the porn industry is massive and complicated, and this issue is far too nuanced to sum up in a single post.

This might seem like a bare minimum standard, but it’s missing from a shocking amount of mainstream porn. 100% of Bellesa’s content features consenting adults having consensual sex that has been consensually filmed. 

Performers have the opportunity to negotiate with their partner before filming starts, exploring their likes and dislikes. If a scene involves roleplay, performers will receive a brief about their role in plenty of time to ensure they’re comfortable with it. 

Ethical Porn Centres Chemistry and Connection

I don’t watch porn very often. I tend to prefer my erotic material in written form. When I do watch porn, I often gravitate towards amateur content because it feels so much more authentic. Whatever the specific acts that they’re engaging in, ultimately I want to watch people who truly like (or even love) each other having hot sex that they’re genuinely enjoying. 

Many mainstream porn studios don’t give performers much choice who they work with. Part of Bellesa’s ethical framework involves pairing performers who truly have chemistry and actually want to have sex with each other. Because real connection and attraction makes for much hotter content and a much better working environment for the performers. 

Women as Subjects, Not Objects 

One of the things that will turn me off the fastest in any porn scene is seeing women being objectified. This is apparent in everything from the naming of scenes to the ways in which female pleasure is explored (or, often, ignored.) 

Ethical porn puts the pleasure of all participants front and center. Ethical porn depicts women as full human beings with their own desires and erotic agency. In other words, subjects of pleasure, not objects to be acted upon. Bellesa porn is directed and produced by women, headed up by the inimitable Jacky St. James. 

A Safe and Respectful Working Environment

Making pornography is work, and hard work at that. Performers deserve a safe working environment just as much as employees in any other industry. 

This can be as simple as prioritizing their comfort on set, such as making sure they’re well fed and hydrated. Sexual safety is important too, whether that’s ensuring plenty of lube is used or carrying out rigorous testing for STIs and COVID-19. And, of course, performers must retain the right to say no or to call “cut” on a scene for any reason.

Performers should also be fairly compensated for the work they do. Many porn performers say they love their job, but it can also be physically and emotionally taxing at times. Performers are workers and deserve to be paid a fair rate. 

How Ethical Porn Can Enhance Your Sex Life 

Despite what naysayers might say about it, I believe that porn can be a healthy and positive addition to your sex life, whether you’re single or partnered. When you make a point of consuming ethical porn, you can feel good about your viewing habits.

Here are three ways ethical porn can enhance your sex life. 

Get New Ideas

I recently experimented with a new kink activity with my partner. Why? Because I saw this specific act in a porn clip, thought it looked hot, and asked him if he’d be willing to try it with me.

Good, ethical porn has the potential to introduce you to new kinks, activities, and ways of having sex that you might never have thought of before. While you might not want to try everything you see, some things are sure to resonate. 

One of the things I love most about human sexuality is its infinite variety. Every single day, people are having sex in endlessly creative ways, many of which I’m sure I’ve never even thought of (and you probably haven’t, either!) Ethical porn gives you a consensual window into other people’s bedrooms and allows you to draw inspiration from what you see. 

Enjoy Things You Can’t Do in Real Life

Perhaps there are things you fantasize about but can’t (or don’t want to) do in real life. For example, you might be a bisexual person in a monogamous relationship with a different-gender partner. Watching porn can allow you to express your attraction to same-gendered people without changing the relationship you have with your partner. 

Or maybe you have a particular fetish that your partner doesn’t share. If your relationship agreements don’t allow for getting that itch scratched with others, porn featuring your kink is another ethical and safe sexual outlet. 

It’s also valid to enjoy things in fantasy that you don’t want to do in real life. Let’s say you fantasize about gangbangs but consider the idea too risky to carry out in reality. Ethical porn is a wonderful way to enjoy your fantasies in a safe way that doesn’t carry any of the real-world risk that might come with realising them. 

Boost Your Desire

For many people, including me, arousal begets arousal. In other words, the more you masturbate, have sex, or consume erotic media, the more you’ll want to. The anti-porn crowd would say this is a bad thing, but I believe it can be just the opposite! After all, sexual pleasure is healthy and orgasms are good for us. Why not seek a little more of both in your life? 

So if you’re looking to get in the mood more often or more easily, pulling up your favourite steamy scene can help make that happen. Whether you watch alone or with a partner, the right porn can help to fire up your libido when it needs a little extra help. 

Want to Explore Ethical Porn?

If so, grab yourself a Bellesa Plus ethical porn subscription. You’ll get access to top content from 50+ premium porn channels, unlimited 4K streaming, access to interactive sex education content, and unlimited access to over 600 erotic stories. You’ll also enjoy 24/7 support, discreet and secure billing, and an ad-free viewing experience. 

Best of all, you can get off to some of the hottest content you’ll find anywhere, and know that you’re supporting a company doing good in this industry. 

Bellesa Plus ethical porn logo

FYI: this post was sponsored by Bellesa. All views, as ever, are my own. 

Header image for post on CBD lube and how Dani Pepper O improved her sex life by Hattie Gladwell

[Guest Post] How CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm by Hattie Gladwell

Published on by Amy

Today’s guest post comes from Hattie Gladwell (she/her,) a freelance journalist whose work I have been reading and enjoying for a while. This piece on how Dani Pepper O CBD lube was a game-changer for her is her first post for C&K.

I loved this story because struggles with orgasm are so, so common, especially for cis women and other people with vulvas. The limited cultural narratives around sex can make us feel that we should all be having the most amazing sex, all the time and without ever talking about it.

Those same narratives push the idea that if we’re with the right partner, sex and orgasm will be easy and effortless, and that any use of additional tools (such as toys or lube) indicate failure. But as we can see from Hattie’s story, those things can be game changers in the best possible way.

Enjoy!

Amy x

Dani Pepper O: How This CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm

I was in a sexless relationship for almost six years. It was difficult not just physically, but mentally, too. I wanted an intimate relationship, but sadly he wasn’t interested. Of course, I thought it was me. That something was wrong with me. I changed how I looked constantly to see if maybe he’d start loving me again, but the relationship had been dead for years. 

When we first got together, I was able to orgasm easily and quickly. Multiple times. Having an orgasm wasn’t something I’d ever struggled with. I’d always had a good sex life before the relationship, and during the first year. But everything changed, and I don’t know why. 

When we finally broke up and I walked away from the stale relationship, I met somebody new quickly. My family and friends warned me that it was too early, that I needed to heal. But I had already done my healing over the last six months of the relationship—because I knew it was coming to an end. 

It was incredible to have sex with someone new. I mean, it was incredible just to have sex again. But, I couldn’t orgasm. It made me feel bad because I didn’t want my new partner to think it was him. My body just forgot what an orgasm felt like, and I couldn’t do it anymore. 

When I tried to get there, it was even more impossible, because I was putting myself under too much pressure. It wasn’t until I decided to “re-discover myself” alone, learning what I liked and didn’t like, and what made me tick, that finally (with a little help from Dani Pepper O CBD lube) I came to climax again. 

I decided to show my partner what I liked, and it worked—but it still took me up to an hour to get there, and sometimes I couldn’t at all. It was frustrating and I felt resentment towards my ex because I felt like I had no control over my body.

I could only come during mutual masturbation. Never during sex. Which is annoying, because I want to reach orgasm when my partner does. It feels more intimate. It makes me feel closer. 

That’s where the Dani Pepper CBD lube comes in. 

There are lots of CBD lubes out there, even though not that many people know about them. Of course, most people have heard about CBD and the common belief that it helps with chronic pain. But it can also help with sensitivity of the vulva, as it is absorbed through the tissues.

I was sceptical, but decided to try Dani Pepper’s “O” orgasm enhancer.

It comes in a bottle that looks just like regular, non-CBD lube, and is transparent. It’s made using organic and natural ingredients, and is water-based, meaning it’s okay to use with latex. 

I sat down with my partner and talked about using the lube, and he agreed. He was just as adamant about getting my orgasms back on track as I was. 

That night, we had sex. But before we did, we did what we usually do, and he tried to get me off. I decided to do it during mutual masturbation because I wanted my body to get used to the CBD lube in a way that I knew might just make me come. 

He put the lube on me, and within 15 minutes I started to feel more relaxed. I wasn’t worried about climaxing. I decided that it didn’t matter if I didn’t orgasm this time—I could always try again. 

But I did come. Quickly. Intensely. The most extraordinary orgasm I have ever had. 

It lasted for at least 10 seconds, and afterwards, my legs were shaking and I couldn’t speak through breathlessness. 

What I also loved is how calm I felt afterwards. I continued to feel this really relaxing sensation. Sex afterwards was amazing because, even though I can’t come through penetration still, it made us both feel accomplished. Knowing I’d “got there” meant there were no frustrated vibes after having sex—or masturbating for an hour. 

I always use the Dani Pepper O lube every time we have sex now. It’s my go-to, and I of course have more than one bottle at a time so that I can keep myself stocked up. 

CBD lube has been a game-changer for me. Not just because of the incredibly intense orgasms, but because it has brought me closer to my partner sexually. I feel like our sex life is way more intimate now, and I never feel like I’m missing out. And I won’t ever again.

About the Author

Hattie Gladwell is a journalist and editor from Sussex. She is passionate about raising awareness of mental health issues, and mainly writes about sex, relationships, parenting and mental illness.

Product recommendation is the writer’s own and is not sponsored.